


make you feel at ease

by capsize (copenhagenborn)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Acephobia, Alec Lightwood-centric, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Asexual Character, Blink and you'll miss it, Character Development, Clary/Jace - Freeform, F/F, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, Izzy/Lydia, M/M, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, mentions of autism, reference to attempted rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7886803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copenhagenborn/pseuds/capsize
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec meets Magnus for the first time in september. </p>
<p>a story about letting yourself be, and how to let others help you when you need it the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	make you feel at ease

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer, I obviously don't own Shadowhunters but I am also not American and therefore does not know a thing about their educational system. I do know a lot of med-students where I'm from, so big chunks about Alec's education is based off that. 
> 
> there is no rape in this story, the tag refers to someone with the intention of rape which doesn't happen, read end notes for detailed description if you think it might be triggering.

The first time he meets Magnus Bane, Alec doesn’t have a clue who he is or what he can do.  

He’s walking with his face turned down in a book, a highlighter between his teeth and music blaring loudly in his ears on his way to class when someone slides a flyer onto his open book, disrupting the quick read-through he’s doing.

He looks down, a frown on his face as he looks over the colorful handout – the words LGBTQ+ curled out loud and proud along the papers top.

“This isn’t – I’m not. I think you gave this to the wrong person.” Alec finally stutters, teeth worrying his lip as he looks up to the one who handing them. Which is his first mistake.

The man is absolutely beautiful, dark eyes framed by eyeliner with a shy glint of glitter just above it, wearing a pair of dark blue shorts with a dress shirt underneath a gray Henley. He’s eastern, the dark tan of his skin beautifully contrasting with the warm blue of his shorts, the streaks of pink in his otherwise dark hair. And Alec can absolutely not stop staring.

But the stranger doesn’t comment on his slightly agape mouth or the way Alec’s eyes seem to sort of linger on the veins in his exposed forearms. Instead his eyes just make a quick sweep of his figure, his eyes wide and appreciative in a way Alec hasn’t seen since he had that awkward first kiss with Raj in the abandoned broom closet of their boarding school during junior year. But the man doesn’t do anything but look at Alec expectantly.

“I don’t think I’m the right person for you to give this to. I’m not _gay_ , I mean, that’s not my thing-“

“Being gay is not a _thing_ , it’s a sexuality. It’s a big part of one’s identity, you know.” The stranger corrects softly, as if he knows Alec doesn’t mean offense, knows Alec doesn’t know how to put words into proper sentences when his disarmed like this.

“Of course, that’s not what I’m saying,” Alec adds quickly, eyes begging to keep the guy from storming away in absolute anger. “ _I_ , myself, am just not gay, so I don’t believe this flyer should be for me.”

He doesn’t mean to – out of all the things Maryse might have tried to teach her children, politeness was one of the few things Alec saw a point in remembering – but out of reflex he glances at his watch and curses just as the guy opens his mouth to reply.

“I got class in five minutes on the other side of campus, so I kinda need to go right this second. I’m sorry about what I said, but I don’t think that’s the right place for me.” Alec doesn’t know when lying this become something he could do for sports, when it stopped hurting and started becoming something he had to do.

The guy doesn’t add anything to that, just pushes the flyer back into Alec’s hands as he moves to walk away.

“Thanks, I guess.” Alec finally says and folds the paper in half before pushing it in between a couple of pages. He turns on his heels and walks towards the auditorium as the guy calls out.

“I’m Magnus by the way!”

And Alec doesn’t know why he does it, but he turns around, one last time, and says, “I’m Alec, nice to meet you.”

 

Alec doesn’t mind being pre-med; mind you, he’s only been so for a couple of weeks, but he doesn’t mind the long lectures about bodily functions or how to balance a redox equation with bigger organic compounds. He doesn’t mind the expensive text books he bought for his courses only to have the professor tell them that everything they need is going to be in the PowerPoints, or the way his new lab partner spends more time trying to explain the Star Trek universe than doing actual lab work.

No, what Alec _do_ mind about pre-med though is their TA, _Simon Fucking Lewis,_ as he had introduced himself to the first years.

“So as I’ve said I am Simon Lewis, you can call me Simon – please do by the way – I am on my third year and I am going to be your TA in all of the courses related to pre-med for the next two years. Let’s start with a round of names, yeah? I think I got a ball somewhere.” He goes to his bag carelessly thrown atop of the desk and pulls out a well-used tennis ball, “So I’m Simon snake and you are – “ and then he throws the ball into Alec’s folded hands, looking at him expectantly with wide friendly eyes.

“Confused? I- what do you want me to do, I’m not sure-“ there’s giggling in the back, a few of the girls who hadn’t been stealthy with their ogling as Alec walked through the door. But Alec’s not embarrassed, doesn’t get it very often around people he doesn’t know very well, so he keeps staring muddled at the guy looking far too young to be in his third year.

Simon laughs, kind smile and laughter lines framing his mouth nicely, making Alec think that this guy wouldn’t have lasted one week at his former boarding school. “it’s a mnemonic technique for learning names, associating them with an animal starting with the same letter as the name, like Simon and snake both start with an S. Then you repeat my name and animal and add your own before throwing the ball to a new person.”

“Oh, that’s - yeah.” Alec nods slowly, fingers brushing over the coarse surface of the ball as he lets it sink it. “Simon snake and Alec alligator.” He throws the tennis ball to the guy two seats behind him, watching him catch it with ease and continuing the rhyme before throwing it to a blonde in the front.

Simon doesn’t teach them anything else that day, does nothing but sit atop of the desk with a bright grin on his face and his phone tucked underneath his left thigh as he once in a while jumping in to help when someone can’t remember a name.

“So that’s everyone,” Simon says kindly before setting his eyes on Alec once again, “Alec alligator, do you want to do the last round of names so we get them all in one consecutive flow?”

And that’s when Alec starts to truly hate Simon _fucking_ Lewis.

 

Alec lives with Izzy in an off-campus apartment while Jace opted to move into the dorms – “I got to get the full college experience while we’re here, don’t I?” – living with Meliorn the art major slash animals’ rights activist.

So it’s a bit weird when he comes home and finds Jace sprawled across their couch, a bag of chips spread out on the floor and what seems to be _Gilmore Girls_ playing on the television.

“You know, if you wanted to live with us you only had to ask, we could have gotten a bigger place.” Alec calls out as he drops his bag by the door and stumbles to the kitchen to find something remotely edible that Izzy hasn’t already labelled as hers. “I’m sure mother wouldn’t have minded having all of her children under one secure roof.”

Jace laughs, dryly and loudly, “I’m sure she would have loved that.” He turns to his back, head hanging over the edge at an odd angle as he tries to reach for another chip and doesn’t make room for Alec when he comes back, cheese toasty and off-brand coke in hand. “I think we should have pizza for dinner I haven’t eaten all day and I have a class in twenty minutes. I can bring it home with me.”

“And have Izzy complain about she not getting any again? I’d rather eat the leftover kale from her stew last night,” Alec snorts. He sits down with his back against the side of the sofa, legs crossed as he tries to catch up with the drama that is Rory and Lorelai’s life.

Jace rolls his eyes, his head back on the sofa as he watches the episode with dull eyes. “There’s a party later, one of the fraternities has this _welcome to college_ party at their house, we should go.”

“Frat guys and I don’t mix well,” Alec replies with a laugh, “I had enough of that type during boarding school Jace, I’m surprised you haven’t.”

Jace just shrugs but doesn’t reply.

“I mean it’s fine if that’s your thing, but it didn’t seem like you liked those guys in high school. If you want to pledge a frat go for it, I’ve heard the stories about what they do to freshers, but it’s your life.” He says with a shrug.

“Whatever, it’s not even-“ he stops himself midsentence looking at Alec. “they don’t do that stuff anymore, you know, they’re decent guys. I met their president Valentine and he’s a nice guy. Hodge used to be a brother, how bad can they be if _Hodge_ were a part of them?”

And that would be an excellent argument if it wasn’t for the fact that Hodge had recently been kicked out of the teaching staff for embezzling the school the two of them had gone to. 

“Do what you want Jace, I’m not going.” Alec says with a shrug causing Jace to hurry to his feet.

“Fine, _great_.” He scoffs as if Alec just insulted his very person. “I’ll see you later I guess.” And then he walks out of the apartment with angry steps, leaving Alec to clean up the mess.

\+ + +

Alec finds the flyer when he cracks open the text book to do a quick chapter outline. 

And as it lies there with its bright colors and rumbled edges, it doesn’t look quite as scary as when a cute guy – _Magnus_ , Alec thinks – is handing it to him. Izzy’s still away for the introductions party hosted by the criminology department and the chances of Jace coming back are slim to none.

Alec hasn’t been a to a lot of party, even less when he’s on his own without Jace by his side, so he doesn’t know how to dress, what he should take with him – should he bring his own alcohol? Or do people respect the drinking age? – whether it’s uncool to arrive on his own.

So when he gets there he’s wrecked with nerves, standing a bit away as he watches the people going in through the door, all arriving in small groups and none of them alone.

There’s a guy in the door who smiles at him when he steps up to pay. After a brief look over his shoulder to check that he is in fact the only one there and out of sight of anyone he knows, Alec smiles back, letting his lips spread into a wide grin.

“You’re new here right? I’m Ragnor.”

“Yeah, I‘m Alec.”

“Do you want membership or just entrance? You can get a membership at another time, but the drinks are cheaper for a member.” Ragnor explains, his British accent thick as he explains the difference in prices and benefits of a membership oppose to paying entrance all year around.

“Uh, just the entrance for now. I’m not sure how much time I’ll have.” Alec stutters, his cheeks flushing as Ragnor takes the money from him and hands him his change.

“Pre-med?”

Alec frowns surprised, but nods anyway.

“You look the type,” he says with a smile. “We do have a few of those in there, a soon to be lawyer or two. Some poly-sci’s who shouldn’t be doing as well as they are, and I think one environmental biologist who spends half his time in waders. They all make the time to come around once a week at least.”

“It was nice meeting you Ragnor.” Alec says in lieu of replying and walks through the door to the house. It’s decent sized, two floors and what looks to be a roof terrace, the rooms are nice and open; music flowing easily through and spreading out amongst the people dancing in the middle.

 

A girl with bright white hair and dressed in nothing but blue yanks at his sleeve and pulls to a ping-pong table before yelling over the music, “You’re good at beer-pong right? I need a partner and everyone’s been shit.”

Alec looks down at the girl with a dazed sort of confusion before nodding, “I guess?” to which the girl laughs loudly.

“I can work with that,” she tells him generously, pushing him gently to the table and handing him the ball. “I’m Cat by the way.”

“Alec,” he yells back, moving to stand in the middle of their side of the table, before throwing the ball into the cup in the front. His eyes flicks to their opponents and finds Magnus reaching for the cup with a small smirk, downing the cup as he dumps the ball in the cup of water. “Um, I’m uh.”

“Right, that’s Magnus, he’s studying law and some math thing, no one really knows. He’s great, and bi if you’re looking to hook up. Over there is Rafe, he grows on you – or you grow on him and he starts to tolerate you – he’s with, oh I’ll introduce you later. He’s probably in the back yard ruining something.” Cat explains, but already halfway through her speech Alec stopped listening. Because Magnus is still staring at him with those brown eyes full of satisfaction as he flicks the ball into the cup closest to Alec’s hand.

“Drink up darling!” he yells over the music, gesturing happily to the cup as the other guy – Rafe – slaps his back in success.

Alec takes the cup without further ado and tries to down the liquid fast enough that it doesn’t come in contact with his taste buds.  “Here you go,” he tells her with a cough as he hands over the ball, ignoring the snickers from the other side of the table.

“Oh shut up Raphael, like you’d even tried beer when you enrolled.” Cat says with a roll of her eyes and throws the ball just off the side of another cup. “Shit,”

Raphael picks up with ball with unexpected flair and washes it, “No, you’re right. I prefer my alcohol red and mostly fermented on grapes.” He throws the ball in an elegant loop into the middle cup making Magnus snorts loudly.

“Like you’ve ever drunk wine more expensive than 10 bucks if it wasn’t in church, at a family gathering or bought by Sherman.”

“Shut up,” Raphael sneers, “You consume vodka by the gallon and not even the nice, expensive kind.”

“I’m in college, what do you expect me to pay for it?” Magnus says with a shrug and motions for Alec and Cat to gather their cups in a square.

Magnus and Raphael wins the game – not that Cat apparently had thought anything else – but it’s only by a cup and still leave Alec drunker than he’s been in a while, feeling nice and loose in a way he’s really missed.

 

Cat drags him across the room before he can get another word in to Magnus, but he doesn’t mind; Cat’s nice and the people she introduces him to are just as kind as her, letting him taste their pretty looking drinks and learn drinking games he never even heard the names of before, Cat a solid weight beside him the entire time.

Cat, he finds out, has a girlfriend who’s moved to England for an exchange program and only comes home during the Christmas break. So she moved in with Ragnor –joining them after the third game of Buffalo – who’s doing half of his degree in the states and the rest at Cambridge. – “I’m studying business with a minor in insurance and finance; I got recruited in secondary, but the company who’s paying for my education wants me to make some overseas connection,” forcing him to fly across the Atlantic a couple of times a month.

Cat leaves around three but the room’s still filled with people so Alec stays, her phone number written in razor thin eyeliner on the back of his hand for when he remembers his passcode to his phone. He somehow finds his way to the roof top, passing his TA drunkenly making out with Raphael against the staircase. There’s a set of lawn chairs set up around a small kiddy pool with what used to be ice and drinks and a couple of bean bag chairs by the edge of the roof.

“Coming to take my spot away from me?” a voice calls from the bean bag farthest to the left, a dark head poking over the top as Magnus turns to look at him with a smile. “Alexander darling.”

“Should I go? I don’t – I,” Alec stutters, wondering whether he should go back down the stairs when Magnus waves him over with his solo cup.

“You can stay. It’s just the art department, they’re trying to draw the stars while the skies are gone.” He tells him, his voice low as if he’s letting him in on a secret. “No one has the heart to tell them that’s never going to happen when you’re in New York.

“Come sit please,” he says and pats the chair next to him which Alec takes quickly, his movements graceless as he stumbles his way over Magnus’ legs. “Want a sip?” he asks, extending the hand with the beer towards Alec. And Alec really shouldn’t, he’s already drunk his weight in cheap booze he’s never tasted before and he has to attend a family dinner tomorrow night. But as he looks into Magnus’ eyes, he feels his throat dry up and greedily reaches for the beer.

“Wait, you _are_ 21 right? Can’t be caught serving minors, got a cop friend and all.” Magnus adds with a frown, his fingers touching Alec’s as the latter flinches away.

“I’m, that’s not. I’m really – I’m nineteen.” He finally stutters, folding in on himself embarrassed and draws his hand back when Magnus laughs and hands him the beer.

“You get jumpy when you’re drunk darling,” Magnus smiles but pulls his hand back anyway when Alec takes the beer from him without touching him.

“No, that’s just me, jumpy all year around.”

They sit in silence for a while, just listening to the wind and the sound of drunk people trying to find their way home, until Magnus starts talking, keeping a conversation afloat almost by himself, but it doesn’t look to be bothering him, not when Alec interrupts him once in a while to add his own side of things.

Because Alec’s never been good at making new friend, not even in kindergarten, always too stuck in old habits to figure out what to say to make people like you. Growing up it got even harder, because people are different and wants to talk about different things, and Alec’s never been good at keeping track of what he should talk about with who.

But talking with Magnus is easy, the way words just flows out of his mouth, telling him about his double major in law and theoretical mathematics – because Magnus is anything but a pretty face – about his cat, the Chairman, who he rescued from a shelter because they were going to kill him if wasn’t adopted. He tells him about how he became friends with Raphael and how Sherman – who Alec figures is Simon, his TA – somehow became a fixture in his life if he wanted to be around Raphael; about Clary, Lewis’s best friend, who he got to know through her father Lukas because of the times he spent stuck overnight in jail from petty crimes.

In return Alec tells him about Izzy, how she’s the brightest person he’s ever met, about being forced away from her when their parents decided on same sex boarding schools for all three of them, how Alec at least had Jace to lean on when she was all alone. He talks about Jace and how he was adopted into their family when Alec was six and didn’t know what to do with a brother his own age, how Jace taught him how to play the games Izzy wouldn’t, and in return Alec helped him cover up when he messed up and took the fault when Maryse got too angry, because Maryse didn’t believe in loving her children equally.

He talks about how he doesn’t want to be a doctor but studying medicine allows him a wider field to research in and at least then he can wait a couple of years before telling his mother. He talks about being the oldest and how it’s difficult to juggle when they’re that close in age.

It’s a lot of ground to cover for a conversation at half past four and drunk off their asses, but it’s more than what Alec’s told anyone who wasn’t a part of his family and it feels nice to finally get some of it off his chest.

He’s not sure when they fall asleep, both of them halfway out of the bean bag, legs entangled with each other and lukewarm beer forgotten at their feet.

 

They find their way inside the house somewhere around when the rain starts falling, when the rest of the people have left to get a proper sleep. It’s not early enough for them to go back to sleep, but not late enough that Alec feels like he should be heading home.

They go to a diner downtown – Magnus finds a pair of bikes left behind by graduates who no longer use them – and shares a stack of pancakes and an entire pot of coffee when neither one of them can stomach the hot chocolate they first ordered.

“What made you change your mind?”

“What?” Alec asks between bites. He looks from the near empty plate to Magnus who stopped eating a while ago. Alec’s still pretty drunk, which is why he admires the way Magnus’s still looking alarmingly good even after a bender instead of getting annoyed like he usually does after a night of drinking with Jace _‘what hangover’_ Lightwood.

“About the party, if I remember correctly you were in no way gay and had no intentions of showing up.” He’s leaning his head on his folded hands, eyes halfway close as he watches Alec finish another pancake. “Why did you come?”

“I-“ but Alec doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know how to admit that maybe he wanted something that was just for him, somewhere he could feel safe without having to worry about anyone messing it up. “It just seemed right, I don’t know. My brother was acting like a jerk, and Izzy’s off doing what it is she’s doing. And I didn’t want to sit at home on a Friday, so I just. I don’t know, I wanted to feel like I was a part of something.”

Magnus nods, eyes kind as he extends his hand to take Alec’s. “I’m glad you came Alexander. I had a wonderful night, I think Cat really liked you.”

“She’s great, everyone’s great.” Alec laughs, putting his fork down to drink the rest of his coffee. “I mean, is it like that every time you guys hosts a party?”

Magnus snorts, but it’s a happy kind, like he’s finding Alec amusing and doesn’t mind his questions. “I would say not really, but mostly yeah. We’re all a bunch of people who somehow and at some point have had a shitty life filled with shitty people who didn’t believe in us, so I think we – or at least I– try just a bit extra to make everyone else feel appreciated, because that’s all we wanted from everyone else.”

\+ + +

Dinner with their parents doesn’t go well, it’s to be expected when Izzy started making her own decisions and no longer did what Maryse wanted her to do, when Maryse tries to counteract her rebellion by trying even harder at making their family the perfect doll house she’s always wanted.

This times she brings a pretty looking blonde girl nicely dressed in a form fitted dress and heels making her around Alec’s height.

There has always been an unofficial seating chart, Maryse and Izzy on each end, Alec and Jace next to Izzy with their father sitting on Alec’s other side, leaving one seat free for visitors. Tonight, Maryse places Lydia – whose wide eyes are a sure give away that she didn’t know what she said yes to – in Jace’s seat moving him to sit on her other side, leaving Alec with a weird feeling in his stomach.

“Lydia’s on her second year at Yale, she’s studying pre-med too, aren’t you dear?” And Maryse’s never used such a sweet voice to either one of her child, “Love is a weakness Alexander, you must remember that,” she used to say before bed, tucking him in with firm movements and turning his night light off.

“Well, I’m thinking about doing medicine, but it’s a wide field, there’s lots of other things I want to do.” Lydia says, and she sounds so apologetic it makes Alec feel bad, like he wants to wrap her up in a nice blanket and send her far away from where Maryse could ever find her.  

“What are you thinking? I’m studying criminology, and so far, it’s been great. I love the classes, the structure, the _people_.” Izzy asks, her voice kind as she tries to turn the conversation around, away from something uncomfortable.

“Oh, I really like biochem, or like organic-“

“Isabelle please, you’re interrupting your brother.” Maryse scolds as she cuts out her steak into yet another piece without eating it. “Alec please, what were you about to say?”

“I uh, I – it is nice meeting you, Lillian?”

“It’s Lydia,”

“ _Lydia_ ,”

“My goodness, Alexander. Her name’s Lydia.”

The women say at once, all of them turning their equally sharp eyes to Alec, who’s trying to disappear down through the chair.

“I’m sorry, of course _Lydia_.” Alec apologizes profusely, eyes flicking to his sister, begging her to pick up the conversation once again, which she does with unpracticed ease.

“Do you have family in New Haven or was Yale just the right choice?”

 

Jace and Alec leave as soon as their father has paid for the food – Alec with the excuse of studying, while Jace sort of just mumbles before following him out.

Izzy comes stumbling through the door one and a two hour later, her heels in her hands and a flush to her cheeks as she sits down between her brothers.

“I have to tell you something,” she blurts out somewhere halfway through an episode of _MythBusters_. The three of them sprawled across the two seater sofa with Jace hanging half off it by his feet.  

“Hmm, what’s up?” Jace mumbles through a handful of popcorn, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“I’m serious, Jace. Please just listen to me,” she tells him softly, tugging at her arm which is intertwined with Alec’s before she moves off the sofa.

“What?” he says finally as he moves to sit upright next to Alec. “Did you finally slap some sense into Maryse? If so, we should have stayed behind-“

“I kissed Lydia.”

“You _what_?” Alec yells, almost falling to the floor as his feet lose footing. “You _kissed_ Lydia? The girl mother had brought along for me to marry when she saw fit?”

“You go sis, she was way too hot for Alec anyway.” Jace applauds, his grin wide as he extends his hand for a high five, which Izzy does nothing to but ignore.

“I – what? No.” she says confused, shaking her head once before her eyes clears up. “I told mom she had to forget about marrying you off to old family friends, that when – or if – you wanted someone in your life you would handle that on her own. Then she stormed off and dragged dad with her, did he even say anything tonight? Does he ever- not, that’s not what I was going to say,” she’s talking a mile a minute while pacing the small space between the coffee table and the television.

“I met Lydia in the parking lot – apparently she was here about a summer internship next year and had time to stop and say hello, but her plane doesn’t leave for two hours – so we started talking and went to get some frozen yoghurt. And then she just leaned across the table and kissed me! I mean, she told me she was doing it and gave me time to back out if I didn’t want it, but she just _kissed_ me, right there in the shop.” She sounds so far outraged, and Alec almost doesn’t want to tell her, but right in that moment – scandalized and out of her own mind – she sounds so much like Maryse she wouldn’t believe it.

“Did you, you know, like it? Too soft, wet? The upright girls always tend to slopper a bit more-“

“Jace!” she yells in horror, crossing the room to slap his shoulder. “You can’t just talk like that,” she splutters angry and pushes her way between the two of them. “I think I did, though, like it I mean. It was a bit cold, but that understandable. It was different than with a boy, softer and more careful, but it felt nice.”

“I kissed this redhead at the Kappa Kappa Kappa party last night, you won’t believe the things she could do with her-“

“JACE!”

“ _Jace_!”

Both of the siblings scream in absolute horror.

“I’M SORRY! I forgot your virginal ears can’t stand to listen to some people actually getting laid.”

Ignoring Jace is an art form both of them perfected long ago. “Nice like kissing a friend, or like you might want to do it again with another girl?” Alec asks, feeling the rush of blood going to his cheeks. But Izzy – who’s never affected by anything – looks like she’s blushing too, so he thinks it’s okay.  

“I think I might want to do it again, I don’t know? It felt different, but like in a _good_ way. I haven’t really thought about it before, but there could be something there, I guess.”

“Okay,” Alec says after a beat, “We can work with that.”

 

 

Over the next month Alec grows even closer with Magnus, who texts him whenever the Chairman or Raphael – sometimes Lewis if they’re together – does something particularly dumb of funny, like when Raphael turns his clawfoot tub into a simulated ecosystem to study the mating cycle of amphibians, or when the Chairman falls into said tub trying to eat a wayward fish Raphael had forgotten to set free.

 Alec’s not used to have friends who are always around him in some way or another; he never had that growing up, always being a five-minute walk from whoever he needed to talk to, and even then his options were mostly limited to Jace or Raj. But it’s a good kind of new.

Somewhere in what seems to be a whirlwind of texts, Alec had agreed to help set up the next LGBTQ+ soc party – “We just call it the LG soc, it’s neglecting and ignorant. But it’s too fucking long to say, so we contracted the contraction,” Magnus told him during a soccer game against the drama club, which none of them had chosen to participate in – and despite him not being a real member, Magnus had agreed to look past that for the time being. “We’re not _that_ low on rent, Alexander. Gays tip very well, I’ll have you know.”

So Alec shows at the house wearing his old lacrosse uniform and a bag full of streamers Magnus had left at his place during a joint cramming session.

“Alexander, darling! And you’re early, bless you.” Magnus fawns and puts his arms around his waist to pull him to the house, “And wearing a costume, you _have_ been a good boy I see.” to which Alec blushes a deep scarlet.

“Magnus, were do you want the- oh, hey!” Lewis the TA says as he comes down the stairs towards them, “Alec alligator! What are you doing here man?” he asks happily, moving in close to slap Alec on the back.

“Alec Alligator huh? That’s something I’ve never heard before,” Magnus chuckles as he takes the streamers from Alec and moves to the middle of the room where a redhead sits with a bunch of papers.

“It’s not, it’s just something stupid.” Alec says through clenched teeth, pushing Lewis away gently to follow Magnus.

“No, hey! That’s a bit mean alligator. I myself came up with that game, and for a fact almost everyone learned each other’s name because of it,” Lewis interjects with no succession as Magnus talks over him.

“So, Sherman’s your TA,” he says with anew understanding, “I guess I can see why you need the extra reading then.”

“Raphael! Magnus is being mean again.” Lewis yells to someone in the back, moving to push Magnus out of the way to sit next to the redhead.

“Raphael, your boyfriend’s trying to talk to me again!” Magnus yells back as he waves him over. “So you obviously know Sherman, and I guess you met his boyfriend Raphael, otherwise he’s the good looking grouch with the great face.” He explains kindly before stopping himself to look over Alec, “Well the other one anyway.

“Clary the one on the floor with the paint stains on her clothes, she like sunny walks on the beach, dogs with stubby tails and girls with long legs.”

“And boys,” the redhead, Clary, interjects with a roll of her eyes before she looks to meet Alec’s eye. “Hello.”

“Yes biscuit, but it’s been a while since any one of those appeared in your life. This is Alexander Lightwood, admired by many, known by few.” Magnus introduces them with a smile as he helps her to her feet.

“Speaking of our last exchange, I totally made out with his brother.” Clary says with a smirk directed at Magnus, “Jace right? Blond guy, about this tall and a stupid red tattoo of some rune?”

“Sounds about right,” Alec nods slowly, “At the frat party yeah?”

“Right! I’m in TriPi myself, but all the sororities were invited really, they don’t have a sister sorority so they have to invited all of us just to get _some_ girls to come.” Clary explains with a bored look, “But anyway, Magnus has told us all about you and how you’re our newest star member.”

“Stop lying biscuit, you’re going to give the boy a god complex. And we have work to do!”

 

The preparations go by swimmingly.

Alec gets assigned to carrying around things with Raphael when Lewis bails out because of a sore shoulder to which Raphael looks at him dryly and say, “Must be all of the sex we’re having, worn you out have I?” Lewis blushes a light pink but doesn’t comment farther than giving him a kiss before going off to find Clary.

Raphael doesn’t talk much, neither does Alec, but it’s different with Raphael, watching him with Lewis who talks like a fucking waterfall Raphael somehow manages being a part of the conversation by saying nothing but one syllable words and moving his eyebrows, to the extend of repeatedly shutting the latter down with nothing but a twitch of his eyes.

Alec doesn’t know if he’s ever aspired to be anything as much as he wants to be Raphael right now.

When it’s time for people to come around, the four of them goes to the backroom to change; Magnus as a well-done if not too hilarious Harry Potter replica with the round glasses, wand and Gryffindor robes. Raphael comes out as an old-fashioned vampire with Lewis as a werewolf by his side and Clary as a make-shift angle in a white dress and a hairband halo.

Cat shows up in the middle of a game of waterfall dressed in Ravenclaw robes and what looks to be an issue of the _Quibbler_ in her hand and sits down in Alec’s lap with a soft smile. “I haven’t seen you around here,” she yells over the music, drawing a 2 and pointing at Clary with a grin.

Alec shrugs uncomfortably, “Uh, I’ve been busy, you know, midterms and-“

But Cat must see something else in his eyes because she puts a hand on his cheek and says with soft words, “Not out to your family yet? Mags said you had a lot of that on campus with you.”

“What- that’s not-“

“It’s okay, I get it.” Cat interject kindly, pushing his cup to his lips as someone draws another 6. “It’s not your job to _come out_ to them anyway, it’s their fault for not thinking that you could be into boys instead.”

And Alec want to protest, to tell her that he isn’t gay and there’s no reason to come out. But then Magnus’s sitting down next to him and steals his cup of cranberry juice and just a drop of vodka, downing it with a cringe. “We really do have to get you to drink something else darling.”

“I like it,” he says tamely, watching Magnus steal the almost empty bottle of Jack between Raphael’s legs and pouring a decent amount before topping it off with off-brand coke.

“Here, a house specialty just for you.” And Alec sips it kindly, his mouth stretched in a faux grin as Magnus watches him force down one wretched liquid after another. “Great, isn’t it?”

And Alec who’s a happy drunk by now just laughs and wrap his arms tighter around Cat.

 

They end up on the roof top again, this time with Clary, Raphael and Lewis who has taken to try to swim in the kiddy pool.

“It’s great,” he laughs, stripped to his boxers in the small plastic pool, the beers and other drinks thrown to the side for more space to swim in. “You should join me babe, I’ve always wanted to make out in a hot tub.”

Raphael scoffs loudly, sipping his Bloody Mary with distaste, “A, that’s not a hot tub, and b, it’s October and you’re getting pneumonia and I’m not taking care of your sorry ass.” 

Lewis whines pathetically but doesn’t move from the pool. “I never liked you anyway,” he tells him with a shrug and reaches out for the lukewarm bottle of beer by the side. “I’m just going to drink myself warm then.”

“The future heart surgeon ladies and gents!” Clary hollers with a grin as she bends down to splash him with a handful of water. “I’m so happy you’re not going to be my doctor buddy.”

“I’ll be everyone’s doctor!” Lewis yells happily, but agrees to leave the pool when Clary offers him her hand, “I’ll be your doctor, and yours and Magnus’ and yours too Alexander Alligator. I’m going to cut you all open and look at your hearts so you can’t lie to me and say that you hate me when you really love me.”

“That’s a bit elaborate, Sherman.” Magnus says dryly but helps him put on Raphael’s jacket anyway, the latter muttering something about cleaning expenses and another ruined jacket.

“That’s me, Simon elaborate Lewis, looking at hearts since – what, 2028. Shit, I’m going to be old.” Lewis sulks with a sad smile, curling up on Raphael’s lap who puts his arms around the boy lazily.

“You’re going to be a great second husband baby, no doubt about it.” He adds sweetly as he places a kiss on a small square of wet skin at his hairline.

“I thought your middle name was _fucking_ , not elaborate.” Alec snorts with a roll of his eyes as Lewis complains about the notion of him being a _second_ husband.

“Hey, you remembered! See, I told you my mnemonic techniques help. Did you know I’m nationally ranked as one of the best TA’s in pre-med?” to which the three third years roll their eyes. “What, it’s true! Well not officially, but _my_ classes have a better GPA than the national average. If that’s not my fault, then I do not know what could have done it.” 

 

They’re all about to interject when the door to the roof goes up and out comes a man dressed in warm civilian wear with a gun holster and a policeman’s hat. He’s older than them, but Alec’s seen older students enrolled and he does seem to be wearing the right costume for the party going on downstairs.

“Raphael, Simon, always a pleasure meeting the two of you here,” he says and his voice has that rich warmness that makes Alec feel like he’s in the right hands, “Magnus, I do suppose you would be here. Clary, the apple of my eye. And guy I haven’t met before. Hi, I’m Luke Garroway, Clary’s father and NYPD detective.”

Alec scrambles to his feet to shake his hand, “Uh, it’s nice meeting you mister Garro- I mean _Sir_. I am Alexander Lightwood.” It comes out smoothly, his voice not stumbling over the words like the do usually when he’s drunk, and he sounds almost reasonable. Until he realizes what he’s holding in his left hand and throws the cup of beer to the ground.

“Dad, _please_. Stop traumatizing Alec, he’s just started talking to us, you’re not supposed to ruin that.” Clary whines from her chair farthest away from Luke, trying to let herself sink through the ground.

“You might not live at home anymore but I can still ground you missy,” Luke tells her as he crosses the roof to help her to her feet, “I’ve already shut the party down downstairs, I just need the five of you to leave with me now.”

“You’re so _uncool_ , dad.”

“Are you going to carry me downstairs babe?”

“Absolutely not, Simon.”

“I would carry you, you know, if you asked.” Lewis reasons as he leans heavily on Raphael as they go to the stairs, “Sometimes I think you’re a bad boyfriend, but then you always make it up to me – _by carrying me home_.”

“I think you might have me confused with your other boyfriend, you know, the one you’re with because he’s _sweet_.”

“Who called this time?” Magnus asks when the couple are halfway downstairs with Clary hot on their heels. “Campus security thinking we’re rallying against the straights once again?”

“Nah, not this time man.” Luke says with a snort, making room to allow Alec down the stairs first. “Valentine, or at least someone from _Kappa_ said they’d seen some suspicious activity over here. I thought it would better if I came than the other choices, at least I’m not going to bust you for underage drinking.” He looks at Alec at that one, who blushes profusely.

“I appreciate it Lukas, I’m very much in your debt.”

“With the way you’re going, you’re never going to be able to pay me back Bane.”

“I thought your daughter how to get out of a pair of police issued handcuffs, what are you talking about?”

Alec sleeps on Magnus’ couch that night.

He wakes up with the Chairman perched on his chest and Magnus humming in the kitchen while he flips pancakes.

\+ + +

The first time Alec feels truly at home after going off to college is at the LG soc house.

It’s just the five of them, a couple of other members around in other rooms, but the five of them are all tucked in together around the two sofas in the main room. Lewis tucked between Clary and Raphael who’s looking practically fond as he intertwines their fingers, Clary lying with her head in Lewis’ lap. Magnus and Alec are spread out on the two seater, Magnus lying between his legs with his head on his chest. It’s a lot more touches than what Alec is used to from people who’s not Izzy or Jace, but somehow his heart isn’t jumping out of his chest from fear of doing something stupid.

It’s a Sunday evening and they’ve just finished cleaning up after a rave they had last night, all of them still wearing specks of UV-paint in fading patterns Clary had taken her time painting to perfection.

They’re talking about the start of the LGBT movement when Lewis somehow lets it slip that Magnus was one of the founders of the campus society.

“Not like that,” he laughs flustered, pushing himself to a half crunch to look at Alec, “not at all. The gay movement just wasn’t very active back when I was a freshman, I mean they had a LGBTQ+ society but they didn’t _do_ anything with it, no parties or gatherings to help people who had a harder time than others – people who’s been cut off or thrown out, hate crimes, discrimination – I just made it a bit more structured.

“Got us this house, rallied a few more people and threw a rager or two to make some money for rent. When I came back after summer vacation I made a campaign about how bisexuality is valid and not just a phase, and they went _mad_. One of the fraternities tried to get me kicked out for _politicizing sex_ , that’s when we started charging for entrance during parties so they wouldn’t come by just to stir up shit.” 

And that’s when Alec starts being a bit of awed of the people he’s surrounded by, because all of them has amazing stories of thing they’ve done for the community, not just Magnus.

“That’s the thing about the modern world,” Lewis says at some point, when Clary’s moved to lying on a blanket on the floor with her feet still on the sofa, allowing the pair of them to be curled around each other properly, “it’s okay to be gay, that’s fine, because then people can still box you into whether you like boys or girls. But the minute you start fitting into both boxes you’re blowing up their world, and when you start saying you don’t care about _those_ two boxes because you just like boxes, they don’t even understand what you’re talking about; or worse what if you don’t want to be in the box but just stand next to it and tell it that it’s pretty – that’s when they say there’s something wrong with you.” There’s experienced pain behind his words, the sour tinge in his voice as he holds Raphael a bit closer, more tightly as he moves in to place a kiss behind Lewis’ ear. “Don’t even start me on the gender identification debate,” Lewis laughs dryly with a shake of his head.

And Alec suddenly feels like he doesn’t belong in the same crowds, that he doesn’t deserve to be with them when he’s not even out yet.

But then Magnus squeezes his hand and pulls his from the sofa, Clary hot on their heel leaving behind the pair who’s sitting a lot closer than they did before, Raphael wiping what seems to be a tear of Lewis’ cheek.

 

They end up in Magnus’ loft.

Alec stretched out on Magnus’ bed drowning in pillows and stray cat hairs from the Chairman who’s sitting on his stomach as Clary dyes in new streaks in Magnus’ dark hair, her movements confident as she strokes through the blue dye.

“It’s not that I don’t like your brother Alec, I mean 10/10 would kiss again and I would happily write him a recommendation for future wives, but he’s just not boyfriend material, not yet anyway.” Clary says with a shrug, pulling Magnus back upright when his back slouches. “And those people he’s hanging out with? Not very good guys.”

“Who’s that?”

“Oh, the _Kappa Kappa Kappa_ fraternity. Jace’s apparently pledging and Valentine’s loving it. I heard him brag about it to the other presidents, ‘I got Jace Lightwood, what do you losers got?’ and that was at a _joined_ meeting. I mean, does he even want anyone to host mixers with him? TriPi is long over them.” Clary explains with a roll of her eyes as she puts the last piece of foil into Magnus’ hair.

“Valentine’s a dick, he had to repeat his 4th year because he didn’t bother coming to his classes whenever he had a slight hangover. How they haven’t been shut down on academic probation is a fucking miracle. You should really tell him to quit it, it’s not going to do him anything good.” Magnus adds with a frown.

He stands from the chair and brings the towel with him to the bed to lay down beside Alex, soft hands brushing the fur of the Chairman’s back as Clary goes to the kitchen to wash up.

“I’m serious darling, there was a rumor back when I first started that he had gotten away with forcing himself on a girl because his high school needed him to play football, and her parents couldn’t do anything about it but move away. They’re not nice boys, they might look good when they run but that’s just about it. Jace’s too good for that.”

“You don’t even like him,” Alec laughs softly, turning around to his side so they’re shoulder to shoulder. He moves his hand to brush through the wayward strands of undyed hair making Magnus smile.

“He thought he was the good looking brother,” he replies with a shrug, catching Alec’s hand with his. “I couldn’t let him keep believing that to be true.”

“I guess not.” Alec whispers in return. He leans in further, their noses bump against each other, breaths meeting and mixing as he draws another. He doesn’t need to move more than three inches to-

“You’re out of dish soap.” Clary tells them absently, head in her phone as she walks through the door. Only turning to look at them when Magnus lets out a frustrated sigh, already half a foot of space between them.

“Read the fucking room biscuit.”

“I just did your hair for _free_ mister Bane, I’m allowed anywhere I want to be.” She still sounds just as sweet as when she’s charming the coffee guy for a medium while paying for a small. “Uh, we’re doing live modelling in a few weeks. They need models though, I hope we don’t get the old guy again, it might be my major but even _I_ don’t enjoy shadowing wrinkles.”

She drops down in the end of the bed, sitting crisscross between each pair of legs, and puts down a plate of freshly cut apples in the middle.

“You guys should do it, Jace and Simon too – I don’t think you’re getting Raphael to do it, it would be wonderful though, have you seen his face? Uh! Alec, ask Izzy to go it, she’s so beautiful, definitely the good looking sibling between the three of you.”

“Shut up Clarissa, didn’t they teach you not to eavesdrop? Or did you just repress it like you did table manners?” Magnus snarks back, pushing her back with his foot as she fills her mouth with a handful of apple bites.  

 

It’s a simple process signing up for nude modelling it turns out, nothing but a few emails to the teacher of the class and clearance from the department head.

He’s not sure why he does it

He knows Magnus is a big part of it, that he wants him to know that Alec can take risks too, be brave and adventurous. But some part of it is for himself too, knowing that he doesn’t need to go down the straight and narrow like his mother wants him to, that he can do something dumb for money too.

He doesn’t tell Izzy about it. Doesn’t even think about telling Jace, who’s suddenly too busy for family night and talking about moving into the _Kappa Kappa Kappa_ house when he’s done pledging and the graduating brothers start to move out. Even after both of them talk to him about their reputation, how there’s a lot of different fraternities who have excellent reputations and actually stand for something other than drinking and getting laid.

But Jace’s always been a lone wolf, as close as the three of them have become over their upbringing, Jace has always preferred to do a lot of things by himself without the assistance of others.

Alec doesn’t tell Magnus either, doesn’t even mention it after the day at his loft.

So it’s a bit of a thrill when he arrives half an hour before the class is set to start to meet with the teacher, who kindly guides him to a changing room and leaves him with a soft-looking robe to change into. She comes for him when the students have settled, when they’re all eagerly waiting for him, and leads him to the stool in the middle of the room.

But Magnus is nowhere to be seen.

He tries to move around subtly, turning his shoulders just the right angle for him to look over the students sitting behind him. But none of them look even half as good as Magnus would in a loose button-down shirt pushed to his elbow and skin specked with charcoal.

 

They let him out after two hours.

His limbs sore after not being able to move, and his mood has taken a steady decline towards sour as he yanks his clothes back on to accept the 30 bucks the teacher hands him.

He forces himself not to think about it as he pulls his bag back on, his hair now more than stylishly messed up and sends a text to Izzy asking her to meet up at the coffee shop next to the student union. He steps out of the class room behind the flood of students now done with their day, and he almost makes it out before someone recognizes him, almost.

“Alexander! Over here darling!” someone yells vigorously as four arms waving him over. And it’s times like these Alec hates himself for not listening more to the control exercises during PE, because no matter how hard he tries he can’t stop himself from freezing up.

He turns towards them when the initial shock has worn off, and the urge to run isn’t trying to overpower him.  

“Hello Magnus, Clary.” He says softly, hiking his empty backpack up higher as he steps in front of the pair. Magnus looking wonderful as ever next to Clary with her too wide smile which is only getting wider at the sight of Alec.

“Hi, what are you doing here buddy? Taking art classes are you now?”

She laughs and bumps his side with her elbow, and Alec isn’t really sure how Raphael – who’s just as grumpy as he is, if not more – hasn’t smothered her with a pillow yet for being _too_ happy. Alec is sure he would have walked away if it wasn’t for the fact that Magnus was standing there next to her with a knowing smirk on his lips. The way he drags his eyes up and down Alec’s body with a look of nothing but pure adulterated want should be fucking illegal.

“Yeah, Alexander. What _are_ you doing here?” he leers, pressing closer so he, too, is flushed against Alec’s side, though his hands lingering a bit lower than Clary’s.

And it’s such a dick move, because Magnus was the one telling him to do this, the one who goaded him into posing naked because, “it’s an art class, Alexander. It’s _tasteful,”_ and “it would be an absolute shame if you were to hide _that_ from the rest of the world. Think about that.”

“Just uh – I had to um. The thing is, the teacher is also a uh, lector in medicine and I didn’t-“ Alec explains slowly, but his voice is shaky and his breath is coming out louder than normal and his entire speech just sounds off, and Alec might hate himself for not learning to lie better when Jace graciously offered to teach him back in sixth grade.

And then Clary is smirking, her mouth stretching too far wide of what a proportionate female mouth should be able to, before breaking out in laughter; her arm taking ahold of his to hold herself up with. “You did the live modelling, didn’t you? _Dude._ ”

Alec doesn’t regret storming off. But he sort of doesn’t regret the modelling either.

Not when he catches the way Magnus is watching him walking about with both wonder and admiration.

\+ + +

Jace comes home wearing a sash during an emergency cram session for the prep-material Lewis had made online for the next day. But Alec’s already spent half the day trying to consume the suggested chapters and if that haven’t worked nothing surely will.

“What, did you get chosen as the prettiest princess in the whole kingdom? And I wasn’t even allowed to run,” Alec snorts as he watches Jace yank the blue fabric off his body and throw it onto the floor. 

Jace rolls his eyes. “It’s for the frat, all freshers have to wear them so they know what house you belong to. Sometimes they tend to do joint hazing, half the work I suppose.”

“Oh yes, how is the KKK doing?”

Jace flushes a warm pink as he pushes the sash around. “We’re not supposed to call it that. Valentine made a whole speech that you aren’t supposed to contradict frat names – makes it sound cheap apparently.”

“They should have thought about that before picking _Kappa Kappa Kappa_ as their name. It sounds fucking stupid,” Alec grins, pushing away from the desk and goes to pick up the leftover pizza he and Magnus had shared the day before, when Izzy had been stuck at the library.

“The name’s not all, _Alexander_ ,” Jace pushes back with a raised eyebrow. And it’s so fucking wrong to get a shiver running down his spine from his _brother_ saying his name, but no one but Magnus has called him that in so long it had started developing its own Pavlovian response.

“Don’t call me that, please.” He coughs, moving a seat further away as he places the pizza on the table.

“What, why?”

“It’s _weird_ , stop it.”

“Alexander, Alexander, _Alexander._ ” Jace taunts, learning over the small space between them to push him to the rhythm. “What a glorious name you were given Alexander, really ought to thank Maryse for that gem.”

“Fuck you,” Alec laughs as he slaps away his hands, pushing him back into his corner. “Why do you got to ruined everything?”

“It’s your name, man. No reason for me not to call you that.” He says with a shrug and puts his sock-clad feet on the table. Alec glares at him, pulling the pizza to a safe distance from his feet. “But I guess Alec might suffice, if you get me a beer.”

“I’m not your waiter, Jace, get it yourself.” Alec grumbles with a roll of his eyes. He stretches out his legs, feet bumping against Jace’s thighs, and brings the plate into his lap. “And besides, we don’t even have any beer. Who would buy it for us?”

“What about that guy you’ve been hanging out with, the Asian one – Mark, no Martin?”

“His name is Magnus and he’s _Indonesian_ ,” Alec corrects with a roll of his eyes. “And he’s not going to buy you beer.”

“Oh, is he only allowed to buy you beer?”

“Fuck off. Shouldn’t you be doing something stupid like saran wrapping the dean’s car? I thought Valentine was being a dick to you guy, that’s what Clary says.”

“Shit,” Jace says before hurrying out of the door, sash forgotten on the floor.

 

It’s weeks later when the hazing’s finally over and Jace has been made a real member than he tells his siblings his plans about moving out of the dorms.

“That’s not happening, no way. I won’t allow it.” Izzy scoffs as soon as the words are out of his mouth. She storms to her feet and pushes him to the sofa with not all too gently movements. “You are not moving into a _frat house_ in your freshman year of college, that’s insane.”

“I’m a special case! No other freshman has been asked to move in, I can’t really say no Izzy.”

“Jace, come on man. It’s not a good idea, think about it. You’re hard to live with; you’re not a morning person, you hate doing chores, you can’t cook, you don’t like people touching your stuff. We’re family, we have to tolerate you when you’re being crazy and yelling about us using your mug, but you can’t very well do that to someone you’re in a fraternity with, can you?” Alec reasons and pulls Izzy away from their brother, her eyes still filled with rage as she sulks to the other side of the room.

Jace lets out a harsh breath of air before getting to his feet. “I didn’t come here to ask about your permission, I need help moving my furniture and I thought you would want to help with, I guess I was wrong.” He goes to the door, dramatic as ever as Alec curses his brotherly instinct.

Alec sighs heavily, defeat filling his voice as he says, “Wait, I’ll help you.”

Getting a bed across campus in biting wind isn’t an easy feat, even when they bump into the god himself – Valentine Morgenstern – who offers to help with the rest of the furniture. Alec thinks about bailing now that Jace obviously has all the help that he needs, but Valentine keeps talking to him on their way back to the dorm room, not allowing him to either say goodbye to Jace nor walk away.

“You know, I’m sure we would have room for you if you wanted to join, I could even arrange for you not to go through hazing – just a few chats with the older brothers and you’d be in.” Valentine tells him kindly, his lips stretched in an easy smile as they carry Jace’s desk together towards the house.

“I don’t think frats are my thing, too loud, and I’m not good with that many people.” Alec offers frankly, ignoring the way Jace is sending him daggers with his eyes.

“Sure? You’re just the type we’re looking for, smart and athletic – Jace told me you’re pre-med and did archery in High School. That’s so cool.”

Alec coughs awkwardly, “I’m flattered, but I don’t think it’s something for me.”

They reach the house in silence, Jace walking in front of them with the rest of his stuff before he turns to Alec with a glare, “You can leave now, thank you.”

“Jace, come on, let me at least help you unpack some of your stuff.” Alec says with a roll of his eyes, too adjusted to his dramatic ways.

“I’m good, I’ll talk to you later.” Jace says instead, turning his back on him to pull the sheets of his mattress.

“Fine then, have a good day.” Alec shoulders his way past Valentine, who looks oddly happy about the development.

 

With Jace not around as much as he used to, Alec and Izzy start to do a lot more things together whenever they have the time. Like morning runs in central park on Saturdays and finally using the juicer their great aunt had sent them shortly after the start of the semester; Alec comes with her when she insists her coat from last winter won’t do and doesn’t complain when she leads them into a book outlet filled with old classics she already has one copy of, _“_ but this one’s a _second_ edition, Alec.”; they start TiVoing Project Catwalk for whenever they actually eat together, and Izzy doesn’t tell him off for mocking the pretentious comments that are bound to be. 

So when Magnus texts him about a picnic in the park and how he should bring a desert if he actually wants something to eat, he feels weird not asking her to come along.

_Is it ok if I bring my sister??_

**_sure darling, the more the merrier and all that_ **

**_swing by my place and get the wine in the freezer_ **

**_it will be gr8 with strawberries, hint hint_ **

_It’s winter idiot. I don’t think I can get strawberries in NOVEMBER, and I can’t get into your place if you’re not there???_

**_there’s a in the plant_ **

**_*key_ **

_Of course there is._

**_Ur the beeeeest Alexander!!_ **

****

They show up at the park forty minutes later with the no longer freezing bottle of wine, a store bought chocolate cake and a pack of six chocolate covered strawberries Izzy had hidden away in the cupboard for a rainy day.

“Where’s Raphael?” Alec asks after introducing Izzy to the rest and sitting down on the blanket next to Magnus who’s giving Izzy a coy smile when she hands over the wine and strawberries. He looks around the small piece of park they’ve managed to claim for themselves and Raphael’s nowhere to be seen; Izzy and Clary sharing her floral blanket Alec’s seen in her small studio apartment, while Lewis sprawls in the bare grass lying only on what seems to be another one of Raphael’s jackets – too nice looking to be Lewis’, but dull enough not to be Magnus’.

“He’s in the lake, what for no one knows.” Magnus says with a wave of his hand and starts to hand out the paper plates and cutlery. “He should be up in a minute or ten, it’s his fault we’re here so he better have something good with him.”

“Do you want to cook next time Bane? Because I’ll be sure to hand over the apron,” someone says from behind them, walking closer before he sits down next to Lewis who leans over for a kiss.

“Is that, I don’t think I’m seeing this right-“ Alec coughs, looking critically at the rubber overalls Raphael’s wearing. “Are you wearing waders, Raphael?” Magnus kindly slap him on the back when a crouton gets stuck in his throat from the coughing.

“Yes, doesn’t he look hot?” Lewis leers happily, watching him wide eyed as Raphael pulls them off and throws them somewhere behind him. “He’s my little marine biologist,”

“ _Environmental_ biologist, and I’m _not_ little – you’re barely an inch taller than me.” Raphael corrects overbearingly and pulls out the jacket from underneath him, “I have a project due later this week and I needed another sample.”

Clary and Izzy seem to finally return to the joint conversation when Izzy says, “I’m Izzy, Alec’s sister.”

“I’m Raphael, a pleasure.”

“Yes, you _are_.”

“ _Simon_ , please.” Clary cries as he leans in to steal another kiss, Raphael rolling his eyes lazily but there’s certain kind of fondness when Lewis flicks his tongue along the seam of Raphael’s lips causing both Clary and Magnus to throw pieces of food at them.

“We’re in love! Let us be,” Lewis laughs but pulls away from Raphael far enough for the latter to take a sip of his wine.

“How long have they been together?” Alec wonders quietly, only loud enough for Magnus to hear them as the rest of the group goes back to eating, Lewis trying to feed Raphael pieces of chicken, not minding when he doesn’t take the food.

“They started dating our first year. Raphael’s not – he’s not interested in the sexual aspect of their relationship – and he’s had a few boyfriends who didn’t understand that that’s actually a thing. So when Simon came along all puppy dog eyed and wildly in love with him and didn’t expect anything but a few kisses, I think Raphael sort of finally figured out what love means.” Magnus says with a shrug, but there’s love and happiness behind that bland look in his eyes, the way his eyes flickers to Lewis and smiles at the look of him leaning in to whisper something in Raphael’s ear. “I think despite what it might look like to us and to everyone else, Sherman’s it for Raphael. He doesn’t want anyone else.”

 

Izzy starts hanging out with them more, whenever Alec goes to LG society Izzy comes, often going off on her own to chat with Clary or Cat or someone he hears being called Lily who’s a history major working on her graduate degree. Jace doesn’t come around, not when Alec accidently mentions Clary’s distaste for the fraternity and how it’s a bad idea for him to isolate himself from his family.

They go to another family dinner, this time without any interference from Maryse’s odd plots and scheming. But they don’t talk together – neither Alec and Jace nor Izzy and their mother – so Izzy and their father are left to keep the conversation alive with quotes and trivia from old movies from the 50’s. 

On their way out Maryse pulls Alec to the side, Izzy’s stormed off the minute everyone had put their desert fork down, and since Jace is being a dick, Alec is left to fence for himself.

“I just thought you should know that I expect better behavior when you three come down for Christmas, this is not how I raised my children. I might expect it from Jace and Izzy – she’s always been a wildcard, and he’s not really a Lightwood so I can’t really blame him for acting out – but you, with your muttered replies and not calling home once a week, disgraceful I tell you. And your behavior towards sweet Lydia, she must have been horrified after leaving here.”

Alec can almost taste the way his anger grows, the way she so easily renounces Jace after so long of being his mother, the way she talks about Izzy, how he’s once again not doing well enough. He doesn’t mean for it to come out, but watching the way her face changes he knows he’s said it, finally told someone his biggest secret and then spilling it to _her._

“I’m gay, mother.”

Her breath catches in her throat, but he keeps talking because suddenly his chest doesn’t feel tight anymore, there’s nothing holding him down, nothing to keep him from being who he really is.

“I like boys and I always have and I probably always will. Lydia’s a sweet girl, but I’m not going to marry her, in fact, I’m not going to marry any of the girls you’ve tried setting me up with. And if I may, I have a very sweet, very understanding boy I need to tell something.” And then he’s walking away, leaving his mother stunned and silent in the hall of the restaurant.

 

He calls Magnus the minute his feet hit the sidewalk.

“How did dinner with the parents go?” Magnus says in lieu of a greeting, his voice soft and soaked in sleep, and Alec almost feel bad for waking him up, almost.  

“I’m gay.”

“Hello gay, I’m Bi.” Magnus snorts on the other end.

“No, I mean. I just told my mother I like boys and that I’m not going to marry a girl, ever.”  

“That’s great, Alexander. I’m very happy for you.”

“Thank you, I just thought you should know, that I’m, you know, out now.”

“I am very pleased to know that.”

And Alec can’t stop laughing because Magnus sounds so endeared, and it’s everything he had hoped for. “I like you, like, like _like_ you.” He settles for instead of trying to translate his happiness into words.

“That’s a lot of likes, darling.”

“ _Magnus,_ ” Alec whines, and he sound too much like Lewis when he’s trying to get Raphael to do something he doesn’t want to, and it’s horrible.

“It is though, what, like _four_ likes in on sentence, that like, a bit too many likes for one man.”

“You’re mocking me,” Alec realizes with a blush, sitting down on a nearby bench.

“Of course I am, Alexander, what did you expect? I _like_ you don’t I?”

And Alec wants to tell him to come to him, to kiss him and hug him and never let him go. But now is not the time for that, all in the future Alec knows. “I suppose you’d have to.”

“Did you want anything else?” Magnus asks after a beat of silence.

“No, nothing other than to tell you that I’m gay and like you in a very gay way.”

“Well, mission complete then, wouldn’t you say?”

“I would.”

“I should go then,”

“You should.”

Alec doesn’t hang up for another thirty minutes.

 

He doesn’t get any weird texts or emails from estranged family who’s surprised by his ‘choice of sexuality’ as his mother had put it in a very angry email telling him he could expect to be paying for his own education for now on.

He has just enough time to get a minor anxiety attack when another email pings – this time from his dad.

_Alexander._

_I’m sorry for what your mother has been telling you, of course you do not have to pay for your education. The money’s already been put aside on a separate account and I’ll transfer it to your name, should your mom think to do something about that._

_I would still love to see all three of you at Christmas, but I understand if you must stay away. I would, though, happily meet this guy of yours when you finally become an ‘item’ as you youngsters say._

_I love you, Alexander, no matter what._

_Give the others my best._

It’s a wonder how Robert Lightwood, who’s the embodiment of the word passive in every way but one, ended up marrying someone like Maryse. 

\+ + +

And then everything goes to shit.

It’s a Thursday night, ten past four and Alec _really_ wants to go to sleep because it’s a big day tomorrow –  he and Magnus have finally decided on a day for their first date after his confession – and he sort of wants to get some sleep so he doesn’t look halfway to dead on his first date ever. But somewhere along the lines of screwing up the rest of Alec’s life, Lewis had decided to schedule a surprise pop quiz for the next morning, “It’s finals time soon, think of it as revision.” He had said when Alec rung him up on his way to bed, “You’re welcome double A.”

So it’s really not fucking good timing when his phone rings in the middle of a sentence.

“What. This better be fucking important or I’m going to kill you, _slowly._ ”

“I need your help.” Jace cuts in, his voice frantic as he mutters something in the background. “I need you to come to the KKK house right now!”

Alec scoffs harshly, “Oh, _now_ you want my help? Fuck off will you? I’m sure Valentine’s there if you need a _brother_ to help you.” And he wants to hang up, wants to throw the phone across the floor and delete Jace’s number in every way that he can.

But then Jace’s talking again, his voice bordering on panic as he tells Alec to shut up and listen.

“Valentine’s _gone_. We were having a party and when I left to go to bed, I found Clary passed out in my bed and now she’s not waking up. I think he did something to her, please, Alec she can’t stay here like this.”

He takes the old car the three of them all pitched in to get for emergencies and trips to IKEA, and gets there in record time, a leg out of the door even before the car’s turned off.   

The house is in absolute havoc when he pushes the door open; guys too trashed to find their beds sleeping on the staircase, girls who doesn’t have their eyes open in guys’ laps, kegs overturned and leaking onto the nice hardwood floor, two guys fighting over what looks to be a Carlsberg in the corner – neither one of them making an understandable argument.  On a fucking _Thursday_ , Alec thinks, _doesn’t any one of them have classes in the morning?_

Alec finds Jace’s room easily, the door wide open with Jace kneeling in front of a sleeping Clary in the bed, her clothes partially removed as he begs her to open her eyes, to say _something_ that could tell him she’s alright.

“I brought the car with me, it’s parked right outside.” Alec says softly. He steps closer in a slow tempo, making sure Jace knows he’s not going to hurt either of them before he puts a hand on his shoulder. Jace doesn’t say anything but nods and gets to feet, Clary cradled carefully in his arms as he brushes past Alec, lips whispering soundless words against her hair as they find their way down the stairs.

Alec hangs back for a while, watching Jace get her into the car with gentle care before he slides in next to her, holding her to his chest with careful hands.

He sends a text off to Magnus telling him to get to his place before calling up Luke, who doesn’t answer.

“Luke? Uh, I’m sorry to call you at this time, but there’s been some trouble at the Kappa Kappa Kappa house and I think you should come down here. Clary’s been – she’s uh, sleeping right now but I’m going to take her home with me – Magnus will be there and you can come pick her up whenever. She’s not in danger, but you should call when you get this, and I’ll let you in on the rest.”

 

Izzy’s up by the time they bring Clary upstairs.

She stands in the door wearing long flannel pants and an old varsity sweatshirt, looking increasingly concerned when Jace carries Clary to the sofa before she stops and directs him to her bedroom. She follows him on his heels, pulling back the comforter and shooing them off to make her more comfortable.

Jace collapses on the floor, his knees giving out as he finally takes a deep breath. But Alec’s not in any mood to nurse him right now, not when he has a drugged up friend in the other room.

“What the hell was happening back there Jace? I thought you said they had _changed?_!” Alec whisper-yells, pushing him towards the sofa before getting him a bottle of water. “Clary almost got _raped_ tonight and, what the fuck happened?!”

It’s unfair and way too harsh, because it’s not Jace’s fault Clary got drugged, it’s not his fault Valentine’s a jerk who doesn’t know when to stop. But Alec’s angry that Jace hadn’t listened when they all told him they weren’t good people, when both Clary and Alec had tried to talk to him about it only to get pushed away for their troubles. He’s angry that Clary’s the one this happened to, angry that he couldn’t stop it, angry that he hadn’t tried harder to stop Jace from joining the stupid frat in the first place. 

There’s someone knocking on the door and Alec knows it Magnus, knows that his loft isn’t all that far from theirs, and the minute he saw Clary’s name he was probably out of his bed and on his way over here.

But looking at Jace, at his brother younger only by mere months suddenly looking so small and frail and watching the shiny tears falling down his cheeks, Alec can’t help but fall to his knees in front of him and wrap his arms around him. He hugs him closer than they’ve been in years, like they’re ten again and being sent away from their family, left with only each other to hold onto.

“It’s a tradition,” Jace starts, his voice hoarse and taut, like he’s trying to force the tears away, holding them back so he doesn’t look weak in front of his big brother.  “Some twisted thing Valentine told me about, but I told him Clary wasn’t interested, that she doesn’t think of me that way anymore – we’re _friends_ now Alec, I wouldn’t do that to her – But it’s _tradition_ that when you become a brother that you sleep with the girl you kissed for the first challenge. I didn’t want to do it, so I told him it wasn’t going to happen. I think he somehow took that as whether Clary was conscious or not was the only problem.

“But I wouldn’t do that, Alec, I wouldn’t. I know I’m not a good guy, that I sometime color a bit too much outside of the lines. But not like this, not – not when she doesn’t want it too.” He sounds so fucking broken, his voice almost breaking from the pressure of the tears building up in his throat. And Alec knows it’s wrong, knows it not something to joke about, but right now Alec wants nothing more than to kill Valentine with his bare hands.

“It’s not your fault Jace,” Alec begs softly, moving him backwards until Jace lying on the sofa, his head supported on a throw pillow. “Valentine is the one who did this, _not_ you, okay? I’ve already called the police and he will be put in jail for this, I can promise you that. I have a friend who’s not going to be happy when I tell him about this. And then Valentine’s going to be gone, where he can’t hurt anyone.”

“But if I hadn’t – if I just kissed someone else then –“

“Then he would have just done it to someone else.” Alec tells him firmly, pushing him back as he tries to sit up. “If he’s doing this now, who’s to say he hasn’t already done it before? What if the other girls just didn’t have as good friends as Clary has, and he’s been allowed to do this until now? It’s not your fault Jace, and you shouldn’t blame yourself for this. I’m sure Clary doesn’t either.”

Alec stays knelt in front of him for forty minutes before Jace finally falls asleep.

 

He lets in a drowsy Magnus with a soft spoken apology.

Magnus looks absolutely wrecked wearing a pair of yoga pants and a sweater that looks a bit too big over the chest and shoulder, a bit too familiar, and his hair is a mess, the blue streaks fading and all over the place from the lack of styling. But his face is what gets Alec the most, the pure fear and anger shining through his eyes as he steps around Alec to look for Clary.

“Where is she? What happened? You didn’t tell me anything, just to get over here and now Lukas is calling me saying something about Valentine missing and you not answering your phone. You left me out there for almost an hour, Alexander, you better start talking!” he hisses angrily, strong hands digging themselves into Alec’s shoulders.

And Alec doesn’t know what to do, how to tell the guy he has this massive crush on that his best friend and what might be the closest thing he has to a family almost got raped tonight.

So he pulls him to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around Magnus’ upper-body as he rocks them back and forth. Magnus rests his head on Alec’s shoulder, his own arms finding their way around Alec’s waist as he hugs him tighter. And Alec’s not supposed to feel like this when his brother’s just cried himself to sleep, but the way Magnus’ body fits against his own is almost too perfect, hard and solid underneath his fingers, head perfectly aligned with his own.

Alec hears the door to Izzy’s room open, but neither one of them pulls away. Even when Izzy walks up to stand next to them, her eyes hollow and skin pale as she shallows another lump. And Alec’s not sure how he could forget how close Izzy has become with Clary lately, how Clary’s slept over more times than what Alec can remember, how she always brings food from that bad Mexican place whenever she’s having a bad day and just cuddles up between the two of them, holding Izzy’s hand tightly in hers as they watch reruns of _Survivor_.

“She’s sleeping,” she tells them in a soft voice, “she’s calmer and her breathing has slowed down to what seems normal. I found some light bruising on her arms and ribcage but it doesn’t look like he did anything but take her clothes off, nothing on the hips or below the waist.”

She coughs when her voice starts to break and both of them reaches out to pull her into the middle of their hug. “I’m okay, it’s just, it’s hard seeing her like that, knowing that she didn’t want it, and Valentine just thought it would be okay to do it anyway.”

Alec sees the moment Magnus finally figures out what had happened, who his entire body tenses and he tries to turn around to look at Jace still sleeping on the sofa. “He wasn’t in on it, I promise.” Alec says softly, his hand squeezes Magnus’ as he frowns. “He called me the minute he found her and we brought her here, it was closer than yours and-“

“it’s fine Alexander, you did the right thing.”

 

For a while they just stand there, all three of them wrapped up in each other as they take in the last two hours. It’s not until Magnus’ head lolls onto his shoulder that Alec realize what the time is and that he has a class in under two hours.

They part slowly, Izzy lingering a bit before she walks off to her room, shutting the door softly behind her. Alec leads Magnus to his room almost already sleeping as he pushes him gently into the unmade bed.

“Do you need anything to sleep in?” Alec asks coming back from brushing his teeth with a new one for Magnus who just looks at it funny before putting it back on the desk.

“Some of us were actually asleep before this happened.” Magnus mumbles sleepily as he shrugs out of his sweater and throws it onto the floor with the pants. He looks oddly at home in Alec’s bed, first time being in his bed and he already knows which is the spare and which one is Alec’s pillow. It calms the stuttering heart in Alec’s chest that Magnus _knows_ him, that he’s not just some guy Alec’s brought home with him who doesn’t care about him. 

Alec lays down beside him, careful not to touch him anywhere, and fluffs his pillow before turning to the guy in his bed – the guy in Alexander Lightwood’s bed, _Magnus Bane_.

“I have class tomorrow at eight.” He yawns, eyes slipping close as Magnus moves closer and pushes himself to his elbows, hovering above Alec. He looks so fond looking down at him, eyes filled with nothing but sleep and fondness as he strokes his fingers gently over his cheek.  

It’s not how Alec thought he would be having his second first kiss, not what he had imagined when he allowed himself to think about Magnus this way. But somehow it’s just as perfect as Magnus leans down and presses their lips together, just a soft brush of lips before he pulls back with an even bigger smile.

“Just ask Sherman for the notes, he’ll love that.”

Alec doesn’t know what to say to that. But he doesn’t set an alarm, stays where he is and wraps an arm around Magnus’ back to bring them closer together, both of them falling asleep in each other’s arms.

 

Alec’s the last one to wake up in the morning, doesn’t wake until Magnus comes in to tell him Jace went to pick up breakfast from the deli. There’s a brief moment when Magnus lingers in the door opening where Alec wonders if Magnus’s forgotten what happened last night, but then he’s striding across the floor and taking Alec’s hand in his with a sweet smile.

“She’s fine, she remembers everything Valentine said to her – which will be worth gold when Lukas comes knocking – and Izzy’s told her about you and Jace, and she’s very grateful. But she’s asked if we could not talk about it today, she’s not repressing, but now’s not the time to talk it through.” He explains with soft words, his fingers drawing beautiful patterns in Alec’s palm as he talks.

“Yeah, that’s. Of course, anything she wants.” Alec nods quickly, pulling himself to sitting upright.

They stay in the bed for another minute or two until Magnus pulls them to their feet. He’s wearing the sweater that might be Alec’s and nothing else but his briefs, and Alec’s not sure he’s ever seen legs more beautiful as he walks out of the room with Alec’s hand clasped in his.

All of them huddle around the television, Jace discreetly staying out of Clary’s proximity as she sits flushed up against Izzy’s side in one end of the sofa, Alec and Magnus sharing the other end, legs intertwined in a way that makes Jace raise his brows in surprise but he doesn’t comment further.

At half past three Raphael and Lewis walk through the door, Lewis’ arms filled with varying sorts of cakes, ranging from chocolate chip cookies to a slice of strawberry short-cake, and what looks like a binder full of papers.

“And the party has arrived!” Lewis cheers as he drops down between Clary and Alec, leaving Raphael standing awkwardly by the door. “I bought the notes for you Alligator, but you know, the teacher doesn’t look kindly at absence, so you might want to try and win him over somehow. I hear he likes home-cooked meals in freezable containers, but don’t tell the rest of the class.” He faux-whispers alongside a joking elbow to Alec’s side.

“I uh, I will remember that Lew- I mean, Simon. Thank you.” He hopes whatever he does with his lips even slightly resembles a smile. Judging by the way Lewis’ face light up it certainly does.

Raphael who’s standing by the door with his shoes and jacket still on looks to be having some sort of a mental conversation with Magnus, before he starts to aggressively take off his jacket and shoes. “Do you have a hanger I can use?” he asks through gritted teeth, looking at something just to the left of Alec’s head.

Alec looks briefly to Izzy who shrugs her shoulders but point to the cupboard in the hallway. “…Sure, let me just find you one.” He says and goes to relieve Raphael of his jacket, but the guy keeps a very firm hold of the clothing until Alec coming back with a plastic hanger. “Here you go.”

He doesn’t seem happy as Alec walks back to sit seat half on top of Magnus, but nevertheless hangs up his jacket on the plastic before turning around to glare at Jace who’s managed to take the only single seater they have.

“Oh for fuck’s sake Rafe. You’re dating Sherman, you can handle a bit of social interaction with other people.” Magnus says with a roll of his eyes as he clears off the arm of the sofa.

“Plenty of room for six people, no problem.” Raphael mumbles displeased as he walks purposely in front of the television to get to Magnus’ side, stopping to whisper something in Lewis’ ear that turn his smile sour for a second before he’s back. “I love being mushed, it’s a favorite arrangement of limbs of mine.”

“Hi Rafe,” Clary croaks from her seat, reaching out her hand toward Raphael who promptly takes it with what should have been a fond smile, Alec’s sure of it.

“Hello Red.” He says softly, squeezing her hand as she smiles.

Luke stops by after dinner.

His face is dark and when he talks his voice is hoarse like he’s been yelling all night. He pulls Jace to the side to gets his side of the story and a written testimony before taking Clary home.

The rest of the party dissolves after that. Magnus and Raphael slips out for a meeting at the LG soc, not before Magnus pulls him to the side and gives him a proper kiss that leaves his knees aching. Lewis stays until he’s gotten them convinced that they need to watch Ironman instead of The Dark Knight before remembering that he left his keys in Raphael’s loft and have to get back to grading papers, “Yours included Gator-boy,” he says as he slips out.

A quarter to eleven the three of them moves to Izzy’s bedroom, the one with the biggest bed and most likely to fit them all, before falling asleep from delayed exhaustion.

\+ + +

Alec spends the day of their first date being jittery and yelling nonsense at Jace who seems to have moved in on their couch, despite the three of them with Lewis in tow already having moved his furniture back to his and Meliorn’s shared dorm. Meliorn who had done nothing but roll his eyes when Jace had made up some vague excuse about coming back. They still haven’t found Valentine.

Magnus asks him to meet him at the book store and tells him to bring his bike.

“We’re going exploring, Alexander!” he says when Alec pulls up next to him, helmet still on his head.

And Alec can’t help but roll his eyes as Magnus leans in to peck his cheek with a sly smile, “You’re lucky I’m a cheap date.”

“Oh hush boy, you’ve already put out.”

Dating Magnus is not much different than being friends with him, Alec figures as they sit down on the same spot in Central park. But Alec doesn’t mind, he likes the easy banter and the sly comments he makes when Alec says something stupid. He likes that he can reach out and hold Magnus’ hand without anyone telling him not to, likes that Magnus blushes when he wipes a bit of whipped cream off his lip and doesn’t even think twice about putting it in his own mouth.

They end up on a bench somewhere downtown, a tub of Ice cream between them and just watching people walk by.

“Have you ever been in love?” Alec asks somewhere between laughing loudly at the pictures of a teenage Magnus with spiky hair and too loose pants, and trying to understand how someone just _got_ theoretical math the way Magnus seemed to.

Magnus halts, his wide smile turning into something sad before he says, “I thought I was once. She was older than me by a few years, back when I hadn’t grown into my body yet and made by on charms alone. And she just, she was so cool and beautiful and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was that she had chosen me. But she wasn’t _nice_ , so when I told her I was going back to school, that I wanted to do something with my life other than just be with her, she left me. She told me she didn’t have time for school boys, and then she just _left_.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec tells him, moving closer to take his hand. But Magnus just shakes his head, a bittersweet smile on his lips.

“It took me a lot of time before I realized how toxic our relationship had been, how what we had hadn’t been love but just her twisted ways of keeping me in line.” He says softly, bringing Alec’s hand to his lips. “I uh, I haven’t been with anyone since her.”

Alec frowns, looking at Magnus’ flushed cheeks to his downcast eyes, “Like _at all_?”

“No, I’ve had sex with a lot of people. But I haven’t _dated_ anyone since her, you’re the first date I’ve had in a while Alexander.” He looks back up at Alec, those brilliant brown eyes looking in on his hazel ones with something so soft and vulnerable.

And Alec doesn’t know what to say, so he just leans in, brushing his lips against his and letting Magnus take control of the kiss.

 

He’s on his way to Magnus’ place for another date when Jace comes strolling through the front door, his eyes not as hollow as they have been over the past couple of days.

“Going somewhere? On a date with Magnus perhaps?” he leers, pushing past and into the living room where Clary and Izzy are sprawled across the sofa, a bowl of chips placed on the floor for better reach, “This makes it what, the fifth date?”

Alec looks suspiciously from his brother to Clary’s who’s throwing chips at him, “What about it?”

“Leave him be, Jace. It doesn’t always work like that.” She says with a roll of her eyes.

“What, tell me.”

“it’s just, you know what they say about the third date, if this is your _fifth_ then,” Jace says with a shrug as he drops down into the chair and throws his legs on the small table in front of him.

Alec walks away without acknowledging it with a response.

It’s not before Magnus’ is handing him a spoon for his pie that Alec thinks about it again, a scarlet flush running down his chest as Magnus licks a bit of apple of his spoon. “I don’t know how to give a blowjob,” he blurts out between bites, his voice sticky from the pie.

“I don’t know how to hold my breath for longer than a minute,” Magnus says with a frown but puts his plate down on the table anyway.

“I’m serious. Jace mentioned something about date count, and I just thought you should know that I haven’t done much else than kiss one guy other than you.”

“Alexander, it’s fine. It’s not like I expected you to have a lot of experience, you haven’t been out before now, and you don’t seem like the type to sneak around with someone during high school.” He says kindly and moves to take his plate again.

Alec frowns slightly at his relaxed movements and blurts out, “But what if I would like to learn how to?”

Magnus chuckles at that, “I’m sure we could work something out Alexander.”

Alec nods solemnly and puts his own plate down before pushing the table back to make room for him on the floor in front of Magnus.

“Oh, you meant _now_? We’re eating darling, do you know how much time I spent preparing this crust?”

“But, I’m ready and I want to do it.” Alec says and he knows he sounds petulant, like a child who hasn’t already had enough candy. But he wants to do this for Magnus, wants to know that he can do this, that he’s not failing at being a good boyfriend, no matter how encouraging Magnus is.

“Well, _I’m_ not exactly ready Alexander. I know you’re very pretty but having a boner whenever I’m around you would be very counterproductive I’m afraid.” He says with a coy smile and gestures to his very not-hard dick.

Alec slides back on the couch and mumbles a soft, “Oh.”

 

They finish their pies in silence.

Magnus still smirking as he takes the plate from Alec’s hand and leads him to the bedroom, shoos out the chairman who’s found a prime spot in the last bit of sunlight coming in through the window.

It’s not as awkward as Alec thought it would be when Magnus drops his pants and crawls into his lap, eyes wide and filled with something Alec’s never seen before. They kiss for a while, sloppy and rough, Magnus biting his lip before soothing it with his tongue, hands eagerly brushing over Alec’s chest.

It’s a learning curve he knows, letting himself touch Magnus the way he wants to. He stays above his waist line, soft touches to his neck and chest, lips sucking small bruises into his collarbone when he arches back showing off wide expands of dark skin. And then Magnus is moving, getting out of his lap and tugging off his briefs before getting back into his lap, naked.

Alec’s seen a dick that wasn’t his own before, but he’s never felt the need to touch it the way he does now, cautious fingers running along the vein before flicking his wrist when he gets to the head. And the way Magnus moans, just soft words telling him what feels good, makes his own toes curl, his heart beating faster.

“A bit more like _that_ ,” Magnus begs, folding his hand around Alec to show him how to touch him, but Alec’s nothing but a quick learner and pushes them away, groans when Magnus runs it through his hair instead, harsh tugs when he squeezes the base, the other hand going to his balls.

And then Magnus’s coming, shouting his name as he digs his fingers into the flesh of Alec’s neck. “ _Fuck_ Alexander, what have you done to me?” he whines as he collapses into Alec’s body, his arms too heavy to do anything but wrap themselves around his neck.

“Good then?” Alec asks, and he can’t help but smirk as he leans back against the bed, Magnus’ body falling with him, gravity pushing them together.

“Very good indeed.” Magnus slurs, one arm finally flopping into the bedside drawer to hand Alec a paper towel to wipe his hands.

Alec doesn’t know when they fall sleep. But then he wakes with a shout, body arching from the bed and into the mouth of Magnus who’s – and Alec doesn’t know he’s dreaming or if his life really has come to this – sucking his dick with quick and precise movements.

Alec’s in complete bliss as he takes him down his throat, his dick bobbing against the back of Magnus’ throat, and Alec knows it’s his first time being touched by someone else, by something other than his own two hands, but he can feel his toes curling, how his chest tightens as Magnus starts to suck on the head while his hands fondle his balls.

And he’s not sure what happens, but then he’s coming, an apology on his lips and spilling into Magnus’ mouth who generously swallows with a small smile.

“That’s,” he says, trying to get his breathing under control, “not what we decided on doing last night.”

“I would tell you I’m sorry, but I think you just did.” Magnus grins and crawls his way to straddle his thighs, and Alec doesn’t think twice about leaning in and meeting his mouth with eager licks.

 

Magnus rims him to an orgasm during an episode of Friends on the first of December, and teaches him how to finger himself open and where to touch if he wants to come shouting, using too much lube and whispering filthy words into his ear when Alec finally comes from his own fingers.

Alec spends an entire week sleeping at Magnus’ place, just the two of them and whatever Magnus remembered to buy in the fridge, the Chairman sexiled to the couch for the nights.

It doesn’t occur to him until he’s sitting in Lewis’ class, that they’ve done everything expect actual penetrative sex. And that’s when Alec starts to panic, because that can’t be right. Alec cannot be that close to a normal, functional relationship with a beautiful man who actually wants him for who he is.

Alec doesn’t notice his breathing has changed until Lewis crouches down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder and asks what’s wrong. But Alec just shakes his head, because something must be wrong, someone is playing a joke on him – some big cosmetic joke Alec doesn’t see the point of yet – and Magnus is going to break up with him any moment now, because Alec’s not _normal_.

He’s not made for a normal relationship; he’s not meant to be with someone as great as Magnus. He’s supposed to be focusing on his studies and being the best in his field, he’s not supposed to get caught up in silly relationships.

And then he starts panicking, because he can’t _breathe_ , there’s something stuck in his throat, someone sitting on his chest and holding him down.

There’s someone helping him to the floor, tucking him against their chest as they breath loudly and exaggerated, and Alec doesn’t want to, but the tries to synch his breathing to theirs, because that’s the right thing to do.

There’s shouting and a lot of people walking around him, but he stays there – useless and incapable of breathing, like the fuck-up he’s always been.

There’s a soft voice in his ear that’s getting clearer as the minutes go by and Alec starts to come back to himself, his breathing a bit shallow but almost normal.

“Alec, should I call someone? Clary or Izzy, or do you want Magnus?” Lewis asks softly, his arms still wrapped tightly around him, holding Alec’s hand to his chest as their breathing becomes synchronized.

And Alec shakes his head frantically, because he doesn’t want Magnus. Not now, not when Alec’s only going to fuck things up for them. “No, no Magnus. Don’t tell him please.”

Lewis looks at him confused, watching him with dark eyes as Alec shrugs out of his arms and stumbles to his feet.  “You should tell him what you’re worried about, it’s probably nothing he hasn’t already heard.” He says after a beat, keeping his hands on Alec as he tries to stabilize himself.

But Lewis doesn’t know what he’s talking about, doesn’t know how destructive Alec can be when he least wants to.

\+ + +

 Alec doesn’t know how long he manages to avoid Magnus. But somehow Alec failed to take in Izzy and Clary’s meddling as something to be avoided too.

So when he walks through the door after his last exam that semester and sees Magnus sprawled on the floor next to Clary with paint brushes in their hands, he almost runs – he would have too, if it hadn’t been for Izzy calling out his name.

“Alec, how did it go then? You’re home earlier than I thought you would be, did you do well?” she asks sweetly and stands from the sofa to approach him.

“What are they doing here Izzy? You _know_ he hasn’t been around for a while, you have no right to invite him.” Alec sneers, quietly enough that neither of the two on the floor can hear him.

“First of all, _I_ just happen to be dating Clary, so she got a free pass alright.” She says back equally as venomously, “And Alec sweetie, he’s been asking for you. You can’t let him go on like this, tell him if you don’t want to be with him anymore, but stop ignoring him.”

“I’m not _ignoring_ hi-“

But she doesn’t let him finish before she pulls Clary to her feet with a kind smile. “I think I am ready for that dinner now, babe.”

Clary looks from sibling to sibling before turning her gaze to Alec and Magnus, who seems oddly calm. “… sure Iz, I’ll just go get my stuff then. Magnus and I can finish this at the house,”

The door shuts behind them leaving the room in silence, Magnus still sitting on his knees looking unfairly stunning with his bulky muscles shown off perfectly in the unbuttoned shirt he’s wearing.

 

“Look, I haven’t slept in three days and I’m not all that up to par. So could we please do this another day?” Alec asks tiredly as he sits down in the chair across from where Magnus sits, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to stay awake.

“Or you could just tell me why you’ve been avoiding me. We’re adults Alexander, despite what you might think, I really am able to tackle a big-boy issue if that’s what got you worried.” His voice is sour when he talks, but he stays on his knees looking smaller than he usually does.

“It’s not you, Magnus, it’s just –“

“I swear to god, you might not have dated a lot of people but that’s the oldest breakup line in the world.”

Alec sighs heavily, pushing his way to his feet to start pacing.

“I’m not normal Magnus,” he says with a careless shrug. “I know you think most of my quirks are sweet and something you can easily work around, but I’m messed up – something’s not wired right in my head – I have problem with eye contact, I feel awkward when people talk to me and I don’t know how long is appropriate before I should look somewhere else. I’m not good with social clues, I flinch when people touches me and I didn’t expect it, or start to overanalyze the situation if someone sits too close to me – or not close enough.” He says hotly, his eyes burning into Magnus’ who tries to interject.

“It’s not _cute_ that I don’t know how to talk to people if there’s more than five people around me. It’s not cute that I keep wondering if people really like me or just tolerate me because I’m smart; if they’re talking about me behind my back and saying I’m weird.”

Magnus crawls to his feet, his movements hurried and somewhat graceless as he reaches out for him, but Alec flinches away, back into his corner. “It’s normal to feel insecure, Alec, everyone gets like that. That doesn’t make you _messed_ up.”

“When are you getting this, I am not _normal!”_ Alec shouts angrily. He slides down the wall and puts his arms around himself tightly. “When I was a kid my parents couldn’t touch me, I would scream and trash around and if they kept touching me I would pass out from not getting enough oxygen. I never participated in children’s game – hide and seek, catch, musical chairs, you name I’ve not done it – at birthday parties I would rather talk to the parents than play with the others.” He takes a deep breath before looking Magnus directly in the eyes and says, “I haven’t told anyone I loved them since I was eleven, and I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to.”

“ _Alec_ , darling. That’s-“ Magnus says quietly, moving closer with hurried steps. But Alec shakes his head angry, holding his hand out to stop him before he gets too close.

“It’s not going to work out Magnus, _this_ – you and me – it’s just not plausible.”

“That’s not –“

“Get out, please just leave. I need to sleep.” Alec says curtly, discreetly trying to wipe the tears away.

Magnus doesn’t protest after that.

The door slams behind him as he leaves.

 

Alec doesn’t sleep.

He does move to the sofa though. His entire body shaking as he pulls out the soup he had made yesterday and reheats it, dropping the spoon a few times too many as he tries to eat.

He’s staring empty at the television when the door slams open, and an angry figure storms through. Alec thinks it Izzy at first, that Magnus’s already told her what he did and now has come to make him change his mind. But the silhouette is too tall, almost as tall as Alec himself, and Magnus is still not wearing a shirt.

 “So you’re not normal, that’s fine, but just because you have a diagnosis – something you’ve had the entire time I’ve known you, mind you – doesn’t make you any different than the man I’ve been spending my time with these last months.” Magnus says harshly as he comes to stand in front of him, watches Alec flinch at his words but keeps talking. “I was kicked out when I turned eleven and lived on the streets for a long time before Lukas made me get my GED. I wasn’t wanted, even from conception my mom didn’t want me – but abortion is a sin in every religion, even if you’re raped – and my step dad couldn’t even look at me without seeing what had been done to my mother.

“I spent a lot of time living on almost nothing, made my money from street ploys before moving on to counting cards in back alley tournaments. And I loved it, loved the money I got from it and the small shoebox I finally had the money to buy, loved the people and the attention I got when a sixteen-year-old won the big money. But just as often I was kicked out and roughed up when they found out what we were doing.”

He takes a deep breath before kneeling in front of Alec, encasing one of his hands in his.

“I don’t do normal Alexander. And it’s fine if you don’t want to be with me, but don’t say it’s because you’re messed up, because I’ve handled a lot worse than someone who just can’t say the words I love you, instead of not actually being capable of love.” He adds softly and leans in to place a sweet kiss on the tip of Alec’s thumb.

They stay like that for a while, Magnus on his knees placing odds kisses on whatever skin he can get his lips to as Alec tries to take in everything Magnus’s just told him.

Because despite being different from his sibling, Alec’s always had them right there beside him to support him whenever he didn’t feel loved. Magnus has never had that he realizes, someone who would give anything in the world to make him feel better.

 

Alec leans in slowly, pressing their lips together carefully as if Magnus could push him away any minute now – he’s not going to, not anymore Alec knows – there’s a moment where both of them hold still, where their lips are just pressed against each other before Alec starts to move.

Someone moans as Alec pries Magnus’ mouth open with his tongue, hungry movements as he presses his tongue against the seam of lips, and Alec’s not sure whose it is, if it’s both of them finally reacting to the pent up frustration. But then Magnus’s tugging him closer, soft licks inside his mouth making him groan loudly as his hands find Magnus’ shoulders, the skin too hot to touch but he can’t stop, not when Magnus is doing _that_ to his mouth.

The angle is off, the difference between the two of them too big for a proper kiss.

So Alec leads him to his bedroom, stumbling over where Alec’s bag has spilled itself onto the floor, his shirt and t-shirt falling to the floor by Magnus’ eager hands. They fall to the bed in a heap of limbs and sloppy kisses, neither one of them interested in breaking apart long enough to get settled right.

“Shit, _Alexander_.” Magnus chokes out as he lets a hand brush against Magnus’ nipple, just circling for a few seconds before he pinches it with a dull nail making the man under him arch up into his hands. “You’re going to be the death of me, aren’t you?” he laughs breathlessly as he pulls Alec’s lips back to his.

The kissing gets dirtier as Alec throws off his jeans, no longer fueled by technique and shy touches like the first times they kissed but replaced with a filthy want Alec’s only ever felt with Magnus.

Alec lets out a desperate sound, not quite a moan but something very close to it, when Magnus cups his dick, giving it a brief squeeze before his hands are gone, moved onto his ass as Alec lets out another frantic noise.

“What do you what darling, do you want my mouth? Fingers? I’ll get you the fucking world,” Magnus mutters in a hoarse voice, lips moved to the bare skin of Alec’s neck sucking bruises places Alec has no way of hiding tomorrow.

“You, I just,” Alec chokes, rubbing his covered dick against the seam of Magnus’ jeans, the fabric harsh against him but it feels so fucking good. “I just want you, please Magnus, fuck _me_.” And it’s so fucking filthy but it’s too late to blush now, when Magnus is pushing the back of his briefs down with hurried movements, and Alec can’t think about anything but how fucking slow he’s moving. “ _Please_ _baby._ ”

There’s a catch in Magnus’ throat, his fingers stuttering to a halt where he had been palming Alec’s ass. But then he’s laughing, happily and delighted as he brings Alec in for another kiss, this time so much more chaste than what they’ve done before.

“Are you sure? We can do it the other way if you wa-“

“No, like this, please Magnus.” Alec begs as he flips them over, Magnus on top of him with his thighs spread across his lap. And then he’s nodding, biting his lip as he looks Alec over with a calculated gaze before taking off his own pants.

“I’m going to prep you, yeah? Nothing new about that, but I’m a lot bigger than a few fingers and it might hurt,” he tells him softly, but his moves are frantic as he pulls the lube from the bedside drawer where he put it the time he had bought it. “You can touch yourself, and come whenever you feel like it, even if I’m not inside you yet. Okay?” he seems unsure as he pops the cap and covers his fingers, so Alec pulls him down for another heart wrenching kiss, his toes curling as he flicks his tongue just right.

“I trust you Mags, I’ll tell you to stop if it hurts too much. Don’t worry about it.”

Magnus takes his time, first one finger then two, before he leans down to lick around the third, pushing them in slowly before Alec’s yelling at him to move on, so different from the tone he yelled in not three hours ago.

And then Magnus is reaching for him, stroking his dick until Alec is almost coming into his hand. “Now, please Magnus.” Alec chokes out through gritted teeth, his cock twitching as Magnus flicks his wrist one more time. But he keeps going, strokes him lazily with a fond look in his eye, head tilted to the side as he watches the beautiful pink flush on Alec’s chest, his stomach flexing as he reaches to pull down Magnus’ briefs.

“Are you in a rush darling?” he laughs as Alec gives him another stroke before rolling on the condom and wraps his legs around Magnus’ toned waist line. “Here I am, trying to give you a first time you actually want to remember.”

“And here I am, trying to have a first time that actually involves sex.” Somewhere between laughing and stroking Alec’s dick, Magnus actually takes pity on him and pushes in.

It’s weird being so close to another person, to have someone else’s _dick_ inside you. But then Magnus is moving again, lowering himself onto Alec, so he’s covered from head to toe, and kissing him in time with his thrusts, no longer slow and careful but hitting things that makes Alec arch up in pleasure.

And then Magnus is coming, Alec’s name on his lips and stubby thrusts before he collapses onto Alec, their sweating bodies sliding together perfectly. With his head resting on Alec’s shoulder he moves to jerk him off, quick experienced moves making Alec see nothing but stars before he shouts, coming into Magnus’ hand.

 

Magnus’ the first one to get up, ridding himself of the condom before he comes back to clean up Alec who’s still dead to the world, limbs heavy and his head spinning pleasantly.

“Are you alright Alexander?” he asks attentively when he slides in on his side of the bed, hand lingering just above his ass. He rakes his fingers through the wayward strands of dark hair as he watches the daze leave his hazel eyes, “Are you back with me now?”

“Yeah, I- I feel great.” Alec hums happily, rolling his way on top of him and burying his head in the space between his shoulder and head. “We should definitely do that again sometime.”

Magnus laughs, “I’m glad you think so darling, but you might feel a bit sore in the morning, do you want a painkiller?”

“Cocky are we?”

“Realistic more like,” Magnus replies without a beat, his hand stroking a mean looking hickey on his shoulder. They just lie for a while, Magnus caressing parts of Alec’s body, fingers sliding through the dimples in his back, the vertebras of his spine, the part of his hip bone jutting out.

Alec is close to sleep when he talks, his voice slurred and slow but he feels like he owes it to Magnus, who’s been so great to him, never once demanding more of him than Alec’s been able to give. “I remember when I stopped being able to, you know, tell someone I cared for them.”

“Yeah?” Magnus says, his voice soft as he moves to take Alec’s.

“I did something stupid when we had visitors over – fancy guests from dad’s firm – and I smashed a bottle of really expensive scotch. My mother freaked out because the desert had been planned around that bottle, and with the pressure of being the prefect hostess, she slapped me right there in the living room. And then she told me to tell my father I was sorry and that I loved him. So I did because I was eleven and didn’t know any better. And I don’t know, I felt so humiliated being berated in front of all those people, connecting those two things – telling someone I loved them and being punished – that I just stopped saying it to people.”

His voice is shaky when he finally stops talking. But then Magnus is there, right below him with his arms wrapped around him tightly, whispering sweet nothings into his ear when breathing gets too hard.

“It’s okay darling, everything’s going to be just fine.” He hears faintly as he finally falls asleep.

\+ + +

Alec comes back from Connecticut the day before New Year’s Eve and goes straight to Magnus’ place, not bothering to stop by the apartment to load off his bags or help Izzy get settled back in.  Magnus doesn’t say anything when he finds a wound up Alec by his door, just pushing the door farther open to reveal another grump lying on his couch.

“You’re welcome to join the pity party Alexander, but I’m not participating.” He tells him with a roll of his eyes before going back to the kitchen where Clary, Luke and Lewis are gathered around the oven.

Alec grunts as he closes the door behind him and goes to put his things away in the bedroom before sitting down on the small space Raphael has left unclaimed.

“I’m not fucking short.” Raphael curses but doesn’t turn to look at him.

Alec looks at his legs completely extended and still leaving plenty of room for another person to sit down, but chooses not to comment. “My mother didn’t bother telling the rest of my family that I’m gay and when I tried to correct them, she would just change the subject,” he says instead, his back slumping against the back of the sofa.

Raphael scoffs, “My mother and sister kept asking Simon about our sex life.”  

“My mother didn’t look at me for the entire holiday.”

“ _My_ mother kindly asked me if I’ve been seeing a psychologist about my _affliction_.”

“At least she doesn’t mind your boyfriend being a boy.”   

Raphael laughs sharply, “Oh no, my mother _loves_ Simon. Which is why she doesn’t understand why I’m not sleeping with him. Last Christmas, she told him that she wouldn’t blame him for leaving me if he someday wanted to try to have a _real_ relationship.”

Alec stays silent at that, because despite Alec’s problems with a homophobic mother and commitment issues, Alec doesn’t have it nearly as hard as Raphael must have had in a Catholic home.

 

Lewis comes in with a plate of chocolate chip and gingerbread cookies halfway through a documentary about orcas – something Magnus had on his watch list on Netflix and hadn’t gotten around to see. He puts the plate down on the table and looks from one end of the couch to the other before yelling, “I think they’re good now, just come in,” earning glare from both ends.

“We’ve never been _not_ good, Simon.” Raphael corrects him dully, pushing him away as he tries to sit down in Raphael’s lap. “There’s a chair over there, I’m sure you can fit in it.”

“Oh come on, I made you cookies I at least deserve some cuddles,”

“You deserve nothing, Sherman, we did all the hard work.” Magnus yells from the doorway as he comes in with a tray of steaming mugs, “All you did was sit on the counter and sing carols, _badly_ I might add.”

“Oi, entertainment is half the job done,” he says and sits down on the floor in front of Raphael who puts a reluctant hand on his chest as if to keep him in place.

“Did you have a nice Christmas Alec?” Luke interrupts with a smile, eyes filled with a soft kind of fondness. Because this is Luke’s family, Clary and Magnus and Lewis and to a certain degree Raphael who’s been with Lewis for almost three years now. And Alec doesn’t know what makes you take responsible for a pair of almost-adults who are not at all related to you by anything but love.

He knows Clary’s mom and Luke’s wife died when Clary was very young, that Luke’s never not been considered Clary’s father and when Jocelyn died he had stepped up as dad of the fucking year and quit his job for a while until they got back on their feet. But to also take in Magnus who had been all but orphaned and Lewis whose dad had left his mother with two kids and a mortgage, is kindness beyond what Alec can imagine himself capable of.

“It was uh, something certainly.” Alec says dryly, watching as Magnus pushes Raphael’s legs out of the way to sit next to him. “it was nice seeing Max again – he’s our little brother but he’s in France for boarding school so we don’t see him except for the major holidays.”

“That’s a long way from home when you’re not even twenty yet.”

“Max’s eight,” Alec says through clenched teeth, hating the way Luke’s face falls at the information because who in their right mind sends away a small kid to another country where he doesn’t speak the native language? “Mother thought it would be smart for him to a head start before starting secondary back home.”

“Well,” Luke says after a beat as he leans forward to take a mug off the tray, “At least he has a brother who’s looking out for him.”

\+ + +

The second time everything goes to shit is when they finally find Valentine.

It’s February and the last bit of snow has just melted away, and it’s just so ironic the way he’s sitting in the same fucking chair as the last time Jace called him at four in the morning when he takes the call.

“What? I’m watching rain drops fall and thinking about going to sleep.”

“Alexander? Hey, it’s Magnus.” And Alec has to pull the phone away to check that he didn’t read the name wrong, that it is Jace’s phone he’s calling from, that he hasn’t reached the limit for sleep delirium just yet.

“Magnus hi, what’s up? Why are you calling from Jace’s phone?”

And then Magnus makes time stop for the second time in Alec’s life, but this time isn’t because he’s caught up in how much he cares for the man. “Jace’s at the hospital, and I think you might need to get down here.”

He doesn’t know how, but he somehow wakes up Clary and Izzy and tells them to get dressed while he packs a bag for Jace for when he gets discharged. He goes to the car and waits for them to stumble in, both of them bleary eyed as they huddle together in the back seat, a lone travel mug shared between them as Alec drives them to the hospital, the car moving a bit too fast for New York City’s streets.

Magnus is waiting for them when they run up the small bit of stairs to main entrance.

“What the fuck is going on? Why is Jace in the hospital?” Alec asks, his hands shaking as he follows Magnus to the waiting room. He lets himself be guided into a chair and accepts the glass of water Magnus hands him but doesn’t drink it.

“He’s fine, it looked like a broken wrist in the ambulance and he has a bit of bruising, but he’s going to be just fine. The doctor’s just stitching him up and taking him to a few scans, but I’m sure he’ll be out in the morning.” Magnus tells them slowly, making sure to look at all of them as he talks.

Izzy lets out a deep breath of relief and eases up the tight grip she’s holding Clary’s hand with. “Then what happened? Why are you here? _Who_ did this?”

Magnus’ eyes flicker between her and Clary, lingering on the latter as he hesitates. “I’m not sure I should be the one to tell you, Jace will be better at explaining it and I only got the ending. But Jace found Valentine, or Valentine found Jace and that’s how I found them, Valentine bent over a passed out Jace trying to get him to talk.”

And that’s when Alec notices the bloodied knuckles of his hand, how someone has wrapped a bit of cloth around his wrist and cleaned up the wounds.

“He was getting up and I didn’t want him to get away again, so I called up Luke and told him to hurry and then I punched him. He was exhausted and Jace had obviously already gotten a few punches in himself so he just went down, and then Luke came with the entire precinct and two ambulances in tow and I called you.”

 

A doctor comes for them at half past seven and takes them to Jace’s room.

He’s all wrapped up, Band-Aids and stitches scattered across his stomach where the skin broke, a cast around his left wrist in a bright green and a butterfly closure just above his brow. But he doesn’t look bad, sitting against the mountain of pillows he’s charmed the nurses to get him with a smile on his face, softening when he sees Clary poke her head in after Izzy.

“Hi guys,” he says quietly, reaching out with his right hand to take the one Clary’s offering and pulling her to his chest with a soft grunt. “Hey now, I just got roughed up a bit, no harm done.”

But Clary doesn’t let go, stays wrapped up in Jace’s arm as soft whimpers escape her. “I thought he’d killed you, I was _so_ worried. You can’t do that again; you are not allowed to.”

For a while Alec thought it would be weird for Izzy to know that her brother had kissed her girlfriend, but looking at them now Alec sees what Izzy must have been seeing the entire time, Jace looking at her like he looks at Izzy, like he wants her to be safe and happy and wrapped in bubble wrap if he had his way, nothing but a platonic fondness for the girl in his arms.

Luke joins them somewhere after that, carrying bagels and coffees as he takes a seat next to Magnus in the background.

“Could you tell us what happened?” Alec asks softly as he sits on the small bit of mattress next to Jace, Izzy and Clary sitting in the end of the bed on each side of Jace’s legs. “It seems kind of weird for him to jump you like that.”

“I uh,” Jace coughs as he sits up, “I didn’t catch all of it, but I think he was looking for a job at Robert’s firm and he wanted me to get him hired. That’s why he did what he did with Clary, he thought he could use that to blackmail me, and when I didn’t he thought he could scare me by beating me up. I think that’s why he was so insistent on you joining too, Alec, double the possibilities of finding some dirt he could use.”

“That seems a bit extreme for job, doesn’t it?”

“Well, not in this case I guess,” Magnus adds from his chair. “I didn’t believe it at the time, but at the end of last year there were some rumors about him losing a lot of money at his job. He was working under a stock broker and he made a bad deal losing his employer’s entire portfolio, so now no one wants to hire him. It makes sense he’s desperate, and a Lightwood might just have been his saving grace.”

They all stay quiet at that.

Because if Alec had known all he wanted was a job, Alec would have given it to him in a heartbeat if it had meant all this could have been avoided.

 

Jace gets discharged around one and goes to the police station with Luke to give his statement about Valentine while the rest of them goes home, happy for it finally to be over.

It’s not until nighttime that the day’s events leave him feeling numb lying in bed.

Because what would have happened if Magnus hadn’t come by when he did, if he hadn’t been at Raphael’s planning Cat’s birthday party before she was off to London for a week, if he hadn’t stopped Valentine before he might have done something a cast couldn’t fix.

“He’s gone, darling. He’s not coming back,” Magnus mumbles tired against his skin, arms holding him tighter against his chest as Alec shivers once more. “Jace is okay, Clary is okay, everyone is _okay_.”

Alec tries to nod, because he knows that. But what if he doesn’t? What if Valentine comes back and this time doesn’t want anything from them except their blood on his hands, what if Valentine isn’t the only thing that can hurt the ones he cares about?

But then Magnus is rolling him to his back and lays down on top of him with a tired smile. “Nothing’s going to happen, okay? We’re all going to be just fine.”

And maybe it’s the weight of Magnus pushing against his chest that’s grounding him, fighting against his mind as it spins tales he doesn’t want to think about. Maybe it’s not a permanent solution, but for now, as Magnus kisses him gently and tells him to go back asleep, it works okay.

\+ + +

The first time Alec realizes that his life might not be that bad at all is in June, sitting in Magnus’ loft with a cat in his lap and books spread out around his person. 

Izzy had finished her exams early and decided to celebrate the end of the semester with Clary and an impromptu party in their apartment, so Alec had moved his stuff into the loft not thinking about Magnus who also had finished his studies yesterday.

Alec does an effort to remember that Magnus had manage to stay quiet for an entire hour before he gave up any illusions of silence and started to wander around the loft for something to do that didn’t involve disturbing Alec, which he quickly decided was almost implausible.

And Alec doesn’t mean to snap at him because Magnus’s being so nice and letting him stay there so he doesn’t have to study in the overcrowded libraries, but Alec really wants to pass this class and he hasn’t had an oral exam since High School and Alec’s shit at defending his stance. But Magnus has been humming _Sexual healing_ for the past fifteen minutes and Alec’s really not that great of a guy.

“For god’s sake Magnus,” he groans annoyed, not turning away from the page he’s trying to memorize. “I know I love you but even love has its limits, you know?”

It works like a charm, as Magnus goes from a loud hum to being dead silent in less than a second and Alec doesn’t know what God to thank, thinks about doing a quick prayer to all of them before Magnus asks in a small voice, “what did you just say?”

He’s not angry – it’s something else Alec knows – because Magnus doesn’t do passive aggressive, doesn’t stay quiet when his head is about to burst like Alec does. But Alec’s never heard this tone of voice before, never this insecure and hopeful at the same time. So he turns around in the chair, watches the chairman jump from his lap and to Magnus’ wide eyes, the small encouraging smile on his lips.

“I told you to be quie- oh,” and Alec doesn’t know how those three little words slipped out of his mouth so easily, so _naturally_ spoken to Magnus because, as he realizes, Alec _does_ love Magnus, have done so for a while now he thinks. But most importantly, it doesn’t’ hurt telling him so, there’s no flinching or Alec felling like he’s going to be sick to his stomach when he watches Magnus beam with a weird combination of pride and joy.

“I love you,” Alec laughs happily, standing from the chair and falling into Magnus’ waiting arms, because how could he not? “I love you, Magnus Bane.”

And Magnus is laughing just as loud, tears falling from his eyes as he wraps his arms around Alec’s middle, hugging him closer than they’ve ever been before. “I know you do, and I love you so much Alexander.”

Alec can’t remember it being hard to say as he whispers it a thousand times into Magnus’ ear, walking him back to bed to show him how much this means to him, how much he loves him for helping him to get to this point, for him to be able to do _this_.

 

Alec calls Izzy the second he's done with his exam, standing just long enough away from the examination room that he’s allowed to use his phone. She cries when he tells her, when he finally says the words she's been saying for years and he hasn’t been able to return, until now.

But now he smiles and tell her to stop crying because he loves her and doesn't want her to feel sad. And then she's passing him on to Jace who's right there beside her and who asks with a soft voice, "What's going on?" but it's something other than his normal voice, more gentle and kinder as he repeats Alec's name.

And Alec tells him too, because he's felt this way since Jace first crawled into his bed and it’s been too many years since he told them that he loves them more than anything in the world. So he says it a thousand times and hopes it somehow makes up for it - knows it doesn't but it's a start at least.

Magnus is waiting for him when he gets outside, a cup of coffee in each hand a soft smile on his face.

“How did it go then?” he says and hands over the cup as Alec gets closer and wraps an arm around his shoulders, holding him close to his chest as they walk back home.

“Great, I uh, I did great.” Alec replies with a grin as he leans in to kiss his boyfriend. “Everything’s just great.” And for once in his life, Alec believes everything might turn out just fine. 

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: Valentine drugs Clary with the intention of getting Jace to rape her, there is no rape happening and Jace doesn't consider following through with the set-up, but it is described how Clary is passed out on Jace's bed partially undressed. 
> 
> otherwise or if you have questions, I am on tumblr at simonssantiago!


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